Pie and Moving Forward
by JimberlyShipper
Summary: The long awaited sequel to Bacon and Morning Afters! Sorry it's been so long. John is being taken out of the medical coma he was in, and Dean and Cas have to decide what choice to make if he doesn't make it. Also, Callie has been told about the situation and Dean is not a happy camper.
1. Chapter 1

_**Disclaimer: Supernatural and its characters do not belong to me. This is the long awaited sequel to**_ _Bacon and Morning Afters_ _ **. I had started this months ago and now I finally have the start up. There's been a lot of feels lately and I love to write Destiel when I am baked. I've got a really good bestie. XD. There is still some angst, but it's not nearly as bad as what it was before. So there's that. I have no idea where this is going to take me, so we're all along for the ride. Read at your own risk. ;)**_

Pie and Moving Forward

By Julia

It had been a week since John had been put into the medical coma. Dean was the one who was power of attorney for cases like this, so he was the one who had to make the decision to keep him on life support if/when they took him out of the coma and he didn't wake up on his own. They were currently at the house, Dean had had to take a night off from the hospital, and Jodie had said that she would stay with John so Dean would know if anything happened. Dean was at a loss as to what to do. He knew that John wouldn't want to be kept alive by machines. That was something John had decided years ago after they lost Mary. It was just something Dean was having a hard time deciding.

He was in the kitchen, they'd ordered in pizza and he was getting out paper plates and cups for drinks. Cas was with him, leaning on the counter, trying to give him space. They hadn't really spoken much about what the plan was going to be if John didn't wake up. They were going to take him out of the coma the next day. Dean had barely slept all week. He hadn't left the hospital much in the last week. Dean cracked a beer and took a long sip.

"What time did they say the pizza would be here?" Dean finally broke the silence.

"We've got about twenty more minutes." Cas told him, and he wondered if he could bring up the fact that John was going to be taken out of the coma. Cas wasn't dealing so well with this, either. It was going to hurt like hell if they lost John, especially after they'd been through so much already. He moved to get a soda out of the fridge. "Dean… are we going to talk about this? I'm not trying to rush you into making any decisions… but we also know that Dad's body accepted the heart. We have to talk about what happens if he doesn't wake up." Cas was still not really sure he understood how that worked, if John's body had already accepted the heart, why he wasn't out of the woods yet.

Cas didn't know what they would do if John was going to be passing on. He knew that Dean wasn't ready for that. None of them were, but Dean was the last one who had been in John's life the longest, now that Bobby and Ellen were gone. Cas grew quiet though as Claire and her girlfriend Julie came into the kitchen. She'd been hanging around, trying to be there for Claire. "Hey, girls." Cas said, sharing a look with Dean that told him they'd talk more later when they could.

Claire looked from Cas to Dean, wondering what they had been talking about. She assumed Grandpa John, but she also knew that they wouldn't tell her if she asked. Claire reached to get some sodas for herself and Julie, as the doorbell rang early. She watched Cas go to get it, and Claire knew it was the pizza. She didn't know what to say, and the tension in the room was high. Claire knew that was because of her father though, since he was the one who had to make the decision as to what to do. Then she decided to ask about Callie, if anyone had been keeping her informed.

"Dad, have you talked to Callie about any of this? I'm not saying that she deserves the chance to put in her two cents." Claire hastened to add, seeing the look on Dean's face. "But you should be trying to let her in on any decisions." Callie was a sister of Sam and Dean, no one had known about her until she spoke up. She was about Claire's age. Callie seemed to be a good person, although Claire had only gotten to talk to her a few times. She didn't think that she'd be allowed to get to continue to get to know her.

Dean wasn't sure that he wanted to let Callie in on what they were being faced with. He sighed and ran his hand across his scruffy chin. Dean looked at her then, his green eyes wide. Hers were blue, it was so weird that she didn't have the Winchester green eyes. It made no sense that she would, since she wasn't one by blood, but it was still weird. "Dad never talked about her, how do we know that he didn't have a fight with her and that's why he never spoke about her? Dad's a cop, he works a lot of hours, he could have been using the working late excuse to go and see her behind the family's back." Dean was really against this, and he didn't know why.

This is when Cas came in with the pizza, and Dean moved to get the paper plates and all for the pizza, also carrying over two two liters of Coke. Dean leaned out to kiss Cas on the lips, welcoming him home. Then he turned to Claire. "Go on and get Frankie and Jamie so we can eat." He said, and she opened her mouth to speak, but he shook his head. "No, Claire, none of that. We're done talking about it. I will discuss this with your father and that's it. No more." As she walked out of the room with Julie, Dean sighed and leaned against the wall behind the kitchen table, knowing Cas was going to ask him what that had been about, and he also knew that Cas would take their daughter's side.

Finally, Cas found the voice to speak. "Ben's with Jodi, she'll bring him home when they're done visiting with John." Cas told him, his voice quiet, but not quite a whisper. He looked at Dean, who was being a stubborn man, he could tell by the look on his husband's face. "Come on, what's going on? There's something going on, and you know it. You also know that I will bug you until you tell me." Cas leaned out and took one of Dean's hands, Dean trying to fight only a little.

"Come on, Dean, just tell me. We're all going through this process together. You should be able to tell me when something's on your mind."

He squeezed Cas' fingers, and he wasn't sure how to bring it up, especially because he knew that Cas was going to agree with Claire. Finally he sighed and spoke. "Claire thinks that we should call my sister and have her get to say goodbye to Dad, if in fact this is the end." Dean said, surprising himself that he managed to get that out without crying. That was a bad sign, though, it meant that he might be accepting what might happen. Dean didn't like that idea, he didn't want to lose John in any way. Dean sighed again and let Cas pull him into his arms.

"Dean, it's okay. It will be okay. I know you don't think so, but it's gonna be fine eventually. You have a hard decision to make, and I know you don't want to let Callie in because on some level, you don't want to share the responsibility. You don't even want to share it with Sam, but at least you know him, and he has put in the time with your dad. You don't know if Callie has done the same." Cas didn't know what he was going to do if Dean didn't agree with that. But Cas knew that it was true. He stroked Dean's back in concentric circles, Dean liked that when he was upset.

None of what Cas was saying was good as far as Dean was concerned. "If he…. If he doesn't.." Dean couldn't get the words out, he was so upset and tears had filled his eyes. "I can't lose anyone else. I can't. Bobby, Ellen, my mom, I almost died…. Charlie died. It's too much for one person to have to go through." He was still crying when Julie and Claire came back in with the kids. Frankie immediately ran to Dean, Dianna following. She was getting to be a big dog.

Frankie tugged on Dean's pants leg, and he leaned down to look at her. "It's okay, Daddy, Grandpa is going to wake up, I promise." Dean looked at her, not at all sure what he was going to say to that. She put her arms around his neck and hugged tightly, and Dean knew in that hug she was telling him that she was okay with whatever might happen. Dean couldn't believe how mature and precocious she was, Frankie definitely had her mother's smarts. Dean didn't exactly have brains, or at least, it was what he believed about himself.

Dean hugged her back, and somewhere inside himself, he could feel what Frankie and Cas were saying, that they were going to all be okay. Dean lifted her in his arms. "Let's eat, guys." As Dean put Frankie on her booster seat, Cas was putting Jamie in his bouncy chair by the table with a bottle. The baby was to the stage where he wanted to feed himself, and so they had to settle him in with his bottle. He held it with his hands and feet. Chuckling, Dean looked at him, and then met Cas' eyes. Maybe this really was going to be okay.

The following day, Dean and Cas were at the hospital. Jo was babysitting Frankie and Jamie, they loved being around Laura, even if she was still too little to really play. Dean was expecting Sam to come, he'd wanted to be there to see if John was going to wake up when they took him out of his coma. Jodi had wanted to come as well, but then she said she couldn't stand to see John like that, and to call her if he woke up. Dean was standing outside his father's room, he was waiting for the nurses to say that they could come in. He and Cas were both wearing protective scrubs, to keep germs from getting John sick. He was still at risk of getting infection, and then he could get sick, or the body could reject the heart in some way, even though his body had already accepted it.

He sighed, and sipped the last of the coffee they'd gotten on the way to the hospital. Claire and Ben were at school, but Claire had already sent Dean six 'did he wake up yet' texts. He had tried to tell her to stop texting, and they'd let her know when something happened. Dean finally spoke, his throat full of a lump. "Cas…. if Dad doesn't wake up…. I'm doing what he wanted. I'm pulling the plug." Dean didn't like that that was what he had to do, but he also knew it was. John had seen too many people end up living on machines, and what with Dean had been through, he'd decided to be DNR.

Looking over at Dean, and taking his empty cup from him to throw away, Cas looked at him. "You… do you really.." He started to say, but Dean nodded, tears filling his eyes. Cas own eyes welled up, and he reached out to take Dean's gloved hand, and he squeezed his hand. Before Cas could say anything more, Sam was walking up. He looked like hell too. Cas nodded at him, he couldn't hug him just yet, he didn't have the protective scrubs yet. Cas moved to hand the other ones they had to Sam so he could put them on.

Sam put them on, a bit slowly and robotically. He wasn't going to mince words. He knew that they were here to bury their dad. Laura was never going to know her grandfather. Sam looked at Dean, whose eyes were shining with unshed tears. Sam could feel his heart pounding in his chest. No matter how much preparing that he'd done in order to get ready for this, it still hurt. Sam also knew that Dean wouldn't want him to hug him right now, and so Sam moved to stand next to Cas. He leaned to whisper to Cas.

"He's going to take him off the machines if he doesn't wake up…. Isn't he?" Sam asked, and Cas nodded. Sam let out a soft breath. He didn't know what he was going to do, if that happened. Sam may have been semi prepared, but it was still his _dad_. Sam wasn't ready to lose him. He accepted the gloves that Cas handed him, and then they were told they could go in one at a time. It was decided that Dean would be the one who would go first.

As he stepped inside, putting on his face mask, Dean had to see his father looking still and frail laying there in the hospital bed. He didn't know what he was going to do if he had to really pull the plug. He went up to the bed, and looked at John. "I am… Dad, I'm so sorry that this happened to you. You… you can't die though, okay Dad? Please…. I can't lose someone else." Dean could feel his eyes welling up again and he did the best he could to hold them back. "Please, Dad. I know that you did the best you could with raising me and Sam. I know that you're upset that Ellen is gone. We are too, that's why we can't lose you."

A pregnant pause, and Dean started again. "Dad, you have grandkids that you have to live for. Frankie and Jamie and Laura are too young, they might not remember you. You have to wake up so that they can get to meet you." Dean couldn't stop crying now, and he was looking down at his father. He had been in Dean's life for his whole life, he couldn't lose him now. Yeah, he had worked a lot when Dean was growing up, and Bobby had had to help, but John had been doing his best by his children. Dean never forgot that, no matter how angry he'd gotten at his dad sometimes. John had only been trying to look out for him and Sam.

As he was moving to go and leave the room, he heard his father's voice say breathlessly, "Callie. I'm… I'm so glad that you're here." Dean looked in front of him, Callie was in protective scrubs and was waving at John and Dean from outside the door. Dean wondered who called her, and he stepped outside, so Callie could go in to visit John, and then he went to his husband and his brother. "Okay, who called her?" Dean asked, his tone cold and low. He wanted to yell but he didn't want to disturb the ICU.

Sharing a look with Sam, it was decided that Cas would take the lead on this. Cas knew who had called Callie, it was Claire. "Claire called Callie. Your daughter, whom you love, called her aunt and asked her to come and see her father before he might die." Cas didn't know how else to say that, and he knew that Dean was angry. "Don't be angry at Claire. I told Claire I thought she should call Callie. She deserves to be here, Dean. We don't know what happened, and she still deserves to be here for her father." Cas knew that Dean should understand that, he'd had his family with him when it had been Dean in that bed.

"You've never had to deal with something like this before. You had your family around when it was you that was dying. You have to give that chance to Callie now. Even if you don't like it, even if you don't want to do it."

The quiet was deafening. Dean stood there, looking at his husband and with a glance at Sam now and then in the next five minutes. It felt like a half an hour. Dean folded his arms, he wanted to make sure that they knew that he was pissed off about this. "I can't… this was my decision to call her or not, because it's my decision to take him off the ventilator or not. Which, by the way, he is awake. I shouldn't tell you, you're being incredibly hard and stubborn right now." Dean watched this news light up their expressions briefly. Dean stepped a step back. "If this wasn't my father, I would leave right now. I won't leave you again, Cas, but I also don't want to stand here with either of you right now, either."

Sam sighed. "Dean, we called her because she had a right to know. If Dad was dying, she deserved the chance to get to make things right with Dad, whatever that might entail." Sam honestly was glad that Claire had called her, she did belong here. Sam sighed. He looked at Dean, not really sure what else to say. He knew that Dean wasn't going to want to listen to any of it right now. Sam met Dean's eye, and he could see the boiling anger there. "Look, Dean, I'm…. you aren't the only one dealing with this! We all are. Callie is our sister, she deserves to be here just as much as we do, no matter how she came into the world."

They were at a stalemate again, and Cas wasn't sure what to say again. He bit his bottom lip carefully, and he wondered what was going to happen. Dean had said that John was okay, so Cas asked about John. "So he woke up?" Cas asked, breaking the silence. They both looked at him, but Dean nodded. Cas let out a breath, that was a good sign. Nurses and doctors moved past him to get inside John's room to do his vitals and check on him since he'd woken up.

Dean folded his arms. "I'm going to talk to the nurses about Dad. Since I'm the emergency contact. You both get out of here. Go get some coffee, text Ben and Claire and let them know that their grandfather is awake." His tone was ice cold, and he wanted them to know how angry he was at them. "We hadn't made a decision about Callie yet, and you went ahead and let Claire call her. I told you I didn't want to her to be here. Now I'm not trying to say that I'm the one who is in charge, but this wasn't your decision!" That last part was louder than he'd meant it to be.

A few nurses and people passing by stopped to look. Dean set his eyes on Cas and then Sam in turn. "You had no right to do that and then not tell me. We are not okay right now." This last part was said deliberately and firmly. Dean glared at them one more time and then went into John's room, to speak to the doctors and nurses.

They both stood there a second more, and Cas looked to Sam. "I'm going to let Claire and Jodi know." He said, his voice small and quiet. Sam nodded and Cas moved off down the hallway, his eyes filling with tears. He hadn't seen Dean so angry in awhile. He was pulling out his phone to text Claire, and she was calling him. It must be lunchtime. Cas hit to answer. "Hey, Claire bear, your grandfather woke up." He said, and she gave a happy squeal on the other end of the phone. Cas knew his voice was shaking, and then Claire noticed and asked him if he was alright.

Then it all kind of came out. "Your dad's really mad because I told you to call your aunt Callie." He said, amd his voice shook hard as he spoke. "I don't know what's going to happen. I've never seen him that angry before." Cas was actually scared, he didn't know what was going to get Dean to calm down. Cas knew he was the one who was right, because Callie _did_ deserve to be here. But Dean was a stubborn Winchester, and he knew that that could equal up to bad.

When he said that Dean was angry, Claire wasn't surprised. "It's gonna be okay, Daddy. Dad never stays mad too long." She told him, toying with some of her long blonde hair. She was skipping geometry, she and Julie were going to make out under the bleachers. Maybe do more, she really needed to get her mind of all of this. Claire was already under the bleachers, waiting for Julie to meet her. "You and Dad are going to be okay, Daddy. You're the one who is right. I know Grandpa wants Callie there. I just feel it. You just need to give him time to see, and adjust."

That was the advice to give, she was _sure_ of it.

Taking this all in, Cas said, "I really hope that you're right, honey." He was quiet a bit, trying to calm down, and then he told her he would update her later, he was going to go to the cafeteria to get something to eat and give Dean some space. Then he hung up. Cas ran his hand through his hair, and the tears started to come for real. He stopped and sat down on a bench, he'd walked far enough from John's room that Dean wouldn't see him. Cas sat on the bench and buried his head in his hands, crying. He didn't know what was going to happen with Dean and it was scaring the hell out of him. Cas knew that him being right wasn't going to come into play until Dean finally realized it, and that was scaring him too.

He couldn't be losing Dean. He knew Dean had said that he wasn't going to leave him again, but that didn't mean that he wouldn't. He'd actually wanted Cas to walk away. That was not a good sign.

For the next couple of days, Dean slept on the couch, when he wasn't at the hospital. He hadn't spoken to Sam or Callie at all, and he was barely speaking to Cas. Dean knew that he had to broach the subject, he knew that they were right, even if he didn't like it. He just wasn't sure that he could right now. He was still so angry. At the moment, Cas had taken Frankie and Jamie to Sam's, they were giving Dean some space, and Dean knew that Frankie wanted to see Laura, and Jamie would be happy when he saw Jo, he loved his aunt.

Ben was with friends at the mall, and Claire and Julie were up in her room. Dean would have had a cow if Julie wasn't a girl. But neither one of them could get pregnant, and he knew that if he wasn't angry with Cas he'd be having sex with him as often as he could to relieve tension. So he got it if Claire was using sex as a stress release. Dean was on the living room couch, watching _Will & Grace_ on television. He had actually started to get into it, it was all Cas' fault. That was when the doorbell rang, and Dean wondered who the hell that was.

When he opened the door, he was shocked to see Callie standing there. "What the fuck are you doing here?" He asked, folding his arms tightly and glaring at her.

Giving him a patented Winchester look back, Callie looked up at him. She wasn't much older than Claire was, and she was about Claire's height, not very tall. Callie leaned against the doorframe. "Because we need to talk, Dean Henry Winchester." She said, John had told her that she should go over and make Dean talk to her. Callie wasn't one for backing down from a challenge. "And I will have you know, Dad was the one who told me to come over here." She knew that Dean knew that John wanted her to be there, and he was angry about that too.

"Look, he's my dad too, Dean. I know you don't like that idea, but I am his daughter. He didn't know about me till I was 14, and that was only three years or so ago." She was almost 18. Callie brushed blonde hair off her shoulder. "He's been talking to me off and on since then, we're getting to know each other. I asked him not to tell you guys about me until we were sure that we were going to be in each other's lives. I know that you have kids, and I didn't want them to get attached. I was thinking about you and your family, Dean."

All of what she was saying made sense, and Dean hated that it made sense. His nostrils flared as he thought over what she said, and he finally stepped aside so she could come in. She gave him a surprised look and stepped inside. Dean closed the door behind her and led her to the kitchen, getting out two sodas and handing her one. He cracked his open before he spoke. "Look, I know Dad wants you here. I may not like it, but I know it. I also don't doubt for a second that he was the one who told you to come here."

This is when he paused, watching her as she opened her soda nonchalantly and watched him, waiting for him to continue speaking. "I…. I don't know that I'm ready for you to be in my life. I know that it's…. Dad told me what happened the other day. He told me that he didn't know who you were. It's…. I know that my initial gut reaction is wrong now. But that still doesn't mean that I'm ready to adjust to the fact that I have a half sibling." Dean had known that it was always a possibility, accidents happened, and John hadn't exactly been a monk after Mary had died. "I also get that you're trying to protect my kids. For the record, I'm not going to keep them from you. Cas wants you around, and they're his kids too. I don't have the right to tell him he can't make decisions about his own kids."

The fact that he seemed to be backpedaling was amazing to her. Callie had expected a lot more fight than this, but she had to admit, she was glad that he was on board. She would deal with him not being ready to know her yet. The fact that she was going to be able to get to know the kids and Cas was good enough for her. "You don't have to be ready for me. I'm not expecting you to just jump to and be ready. But I want to get to know the kids and Cas. Sam's ready for me to be his sister, and I really like Jo. You're the only one who isn't on board just yet. You don't have to be. I just want to know that you're open to the idea, Dean."

"I want to get to know you. You know that family is what matters to us. Whether you like it or not, we are family."

Before Dean could say anything, Cas arrived home with Frankie and Jamie. Frankie ran for the kitchen, and immediately went to Callie, Dean assumed that she had seen her aunt's car in the drive. Dean met Cas' eyes, and he knew that they needed to talk. "Cas, why don't we let Callie spend some time with the kids for a bit because I need to talk to you for a moment." Dean saw the look on Cas' face, his eyebrows widened and while he looked nervous, he also had a hopeful look on his face. Dean took his arm and led him into the living room, and they sat down on the couch. Dean looked at him, and his eyes brushed with tears as he thought about what he was going to say. Dean had so much he knew that had to be said, and he also knew that he had to apologize to Cas for being so angry lately, he knew that Cas was the one who was right about all of this, even if he didn't want to admit it.

Taking one of Cas' hands, he stroked circles on the back of Cas' hand. "Look. I know that I've been freezing you out lately. I was… I was mad. I still kind of am, but hearing what Callie had to say…. I was already starting to realize that I was wrong, and she was helping me realize it even more. I'm not ready yet for her and I to start being in each other's lives. But I have no right to keep you and the kids from getting to know her." His eyes were starting to leak tears, and Cas reached up with his other hand to wipe them off. Dean looked away for a moment, even though he knew he didn't have to. Cas had seen him like this before, it wasn't news. Turning back to look at him, Dean cleared his throat, there was a lump in his throat.

"I love you, Cas, and I know you've been scared that I was going to leave you. I'm not, okay? I told you I would never leave you again. I can't live without you. And I know that you can't live without me. So neither of us is going anywhere. Besides the fact that we have four kids who need both of their dads."

Cas reached out to wipe tears off Dean's face. John was out of the woods, he was going to be okay. That was at least something that they didn't have to worry about anymore. "I love you so much, Dean. I wasn't trying to hurt you by having Claire let Callie know. I just… it was her right to be there if she was losing her father. I'm sorry that I had to do it that way. I wanted to tell you, but I knew that you would react exactly as you did." They both smiled at that, and Cas laughed a little through his tears. "You don't have to start anything that you aren't ready for. But you know that Dad wants her here. I think you ought to take that into consideration. He is trying so hard to make up lost time with her."

He and John had talked a lot about it when Dean wasn't at the hospital, it had been an unspoken agreement that they wouldn't be there at the same time, even with Ben and Claire to keep an eye on the younger kids. Cas knew that it was because Dean had still been angry and had been trying to come to terms with everything. Cas was quiet a moment as he rejoiced over the fact that Dean was ready to make up. "I appreciate that you are letting me and the kids make our own choice. Frankie loves Callie, they have really bonded when they've been able to see each other."

While none of that was really what Dean wanted to hear, as the stubborn part of him was still insisting that this wasn't the way to do it. But he knew that he had to work past that instinct. Dean leaned out to kiss Cas, deeply and slowly. It had been days since they'd kissed or touched each other. Dean cupped Cas' jaw, slipping his tongue easily into Cas' mouth, which caused his husband to groan. Dean pulled back to breathe, and he looked into those gorgeous blue eyes that reminded him of the sky. "I don't have any right to tell you to not have her in your life. Or the kids. She said that family is what matters to us the most. And she's not wrong, it is something that is the most important to our family."

That was not something that he relished having to admit. Only because it made her right. "You can see her, you can get to know her. Maybe in time I'll be ready too."

Cas ran his fingers across Dean's stubble on his jaw. He loved that Dean had some stubble. Cas liked him with some facial hair. He'd even gone so far before as to have a full beard. Cas was definitely a fan of that, with Dean's flannel it made him look really rugged. "The important thing though is that Dad is going to be okay. We didn't lose him. You are going to get to have your dad around for longer. That is the part to focus on. At least for you. You aren't ready for other things and that's fine. Be happy that you still get to have your dad." Cas told him, and Dean's eyes were filling with more tears, and they fell down his cheeks. Brushing them away, Cas leaned out and kissed some off his cheeks, and then his lips, softly.

"We were prepared to let him go. And he's here, and he's fine. You didn't lose him." Cas knew that that was the part that Dean was still adjusting to. That his dad was going to be around. It was something that they were all glad about, and for some of them it was still sinking in. They were all going to be alright, and that was what Cas thought they should be focused on. "You of all people know how short life is. You almost died. But use that to help you be ready for your views to change."

All of what he said was true. Dean knew that. It wasn't something that he would admit easily, but it was something that he would admit. "I know." He said, his tone soft and his voice shaking a bit. "I am still in awe that I get to keep Dad. And he's using this to retire. There is still the chance that someone he put away will take him out, but he's not going to be in danger every day, in the thick of it." His voice was very quiet, it wasn't something that he did, spoke so quietly. Dean was a lot like John. "I lost almost everyone else. I can't…. I still can't believe that Dad is going to be okay. I had really thought that I was going to have to go on without him."

It was especially poignant for Dean because no one but John before Cas had understood what it had been like for Dean to lose a child. Dean knew that he and Cas were closer because of that. That they both knew what it felt like. John had been the only one that Dean could even talk about it with, which hadn't been often. He wasn't a talk about your feelings kind of person, and John wasn't really either. It was only with the addition of Cas that they had really started to open up about things.

Brushing more tears of Dean's face, Cas said, "Let go, Dean. Just let go, relax. This is something that is good for our family. You are carrying so much, and I know that it's going to be impossible to let it all go. And I don't even remotely expect that. But start letting go of some of this stress. We are out of the woods for now. Start taking some pleasure in that."

Before he could say more, Dean's mouth was on his, and he was pressing Cas back against the couch. Cas gasped against his mouth, but let him. When they broke for air he called out for Callie to keep the kids away from the living room, because this felt like it was going to lead somewhere. Cas moved with Dean, as his husband pressed his body against his, and Cas could feel his husband's cock hardening. It had been too long for both of them, and Cas knew that Dean used sex as a coping mechanism, and since it was monogamous with his husband, Cas didn't see why that was a bad thing.

Dean unbuttoned Cas' jeans, it would be easier and safer if they didn't get fully naked. He pulled Cas' cock out of its denim prison, and then worked his jeans off his ass, and using some of Cas' precum as lube, he lowered himself onto Cas' cock, and began to move his hips. They both gasped, and Dean braced himself on the back of the couch with one hand, and then leaned down to kiss Cas, his other hand moving with his husband's on his own cock. Their long fingers moved together, and Dean groaned long and deep against Cas' mouth. They both reached their climax then, and Dean moaned out Cas' name and knew that they'd have to change clothes.

This is when Ben walked in.

 _When the rain is blowing in your face  
And the whole world is on your case  
I would offer you a warm embrace  
To make you feel my love _

_When the evening shadows and the stars appear  
And there is no one to dry your tears  
I could hold you for a million years  
To make you feel my love_

 _I'd go hungry I'd go back and blue  
I'd go crawling down the avenue  
There ain't nothing that I wouldn't do  
To make you feel my love _

_**Author's note: HA. I finally got this started and posted! I had this started for months, btw. I'm sorry it took so long. Been having a lot of feels lately and this is the result. XD. I hope ya'll were satisfied, and I am not at all doubtful that it might be updated not too long from now, with the way my feels are going. Sorry for the cliffhanger. ;)**_


	2. Down the Avenue

Chapter Two: Down the Avenue

 _You're feeling isolate  
And all kinds frustrate  
But I love you as you are,  
Love you as you are, yeah  
And don't worry about the hate  
It don't fit in those boxes they create  
And it's tearing you apart, it's tearing you apart,  
Yeah_

 _And when you build those walls  
To keep you safe  
It's like a prison you can't escape  
You tear them down, you just might hear me say_

 _I love you as you are  
I love you as you are  
And when the whole damn world doesn't know  
What they got til it's gone I love you  
I love you as you are  
I love you as you are  
And when the whole damn world doesn't know  
What they got til it's gone, I love you  
I love you as you are_

Ben stood there for a moment, just frozen in shock. He hadn't expected to come home and see his parents fucking on the couch. He finally snapped out of it and tossed his coat on the floor. "Dad, Cas, what the hell?" He said, covering his eyes, his bookbag dropping to the floor as well. Ben heard voices and feet, and Callie had come in, and was standing there with her mouth open in shock when Ben pulled his hands away. Dean and Cas had put themselves together, and some of Ben's curls fell over his eyes. "I can't….. You have a bed for that reason!" He said, his cheeks still flushed with embarrassment.

Blushing himself, Cas ran his hands through his black mussed sex hair, trying to tame it a bit. Dean wasn't even looking sheepish, he was looking gleeful. "Dean Henry, get that look off your face." Cas told him, smacking him lightly on the shoulder. When Dean didn't rearrange his features, Cas tickled his side a bit, and that did the trick, after Dean was done laughing, he looked a little sheepish. Not as much as Cas would have liked, but it was good enough for him.

"We're sorry, Ben, we kind of just got carried away." Cas said, knowing that he and Dean still had to change clothes. "We'll be right back. Need to change."

On their way upstairs, they ran into Claire and Julie, headed down, their faces flushed and hair messed up as well. Dean smirked. "Looks like someone else got some too." He said, and Claire gave him a look, saying, gross, Dad. Dean just playfully tweaked her hair and he and Cas headed for their bedroom. Dean tossed all of his clothes in the dirty clothes hamper. "That was fun. Ben's scarred for life." He said, unable to keep from laughing. "Dad never brought anyone home until Ellen, so that's never happened to me before." He knew that it hadn't happened to Cas, His parents had not been sexual people or been carried away by passion like that easily.

"You are just so so funny, Dean." Cas said, sounding exasperated but it wasn't in a real serious way. "You should apologize to him too. I wasn't alone on the couch with my right hand." He said, he'd gotten his own clothes off and was taking some new out of one of the dresser drawers. He pulled out a pair of Dean's pj bottoms and grabbed one of his tee shirts too, he liked wearing Dean's clothes and he knew that Dean liked him to. As he was finishing sliding the pj bottoms in place, Dean's arms slid around his waist, playing with the waistline of the pants.

Cas shivered under his touch. "Dean, what are you doing? Frankie and Jamie will be back soon, I got a text from Jo." Dean's breath was hot on his neck as he nibbled Cas' left earlobe.

"Touching my gorgeous and sexy husband." Dean replied, his hand slipping in the front of the pj bottoms and taking Cas' length in his hand, fingers rubbing up and down the shaft. Cas' breath was shallow, and he shivered under Dean's ministrations. He cupped Cas' balls, stroking them and then his hand moving up along the shaft again, his thumb pressing on the tip. Cas was growing hard in his hand again. "Mmmm, so soon, Mr. Winchester? I'm impressed." Dean's voice was silky and hot against Cas' ear, and then he moved along his throat, pressing kisses along the collarbone.

Letting him briefly touch him, Cas shook off the sexy thoughts and feelings and stepped away. "No more, wait till later." Cas told him. "I don't want to ruin these too, we haven't done laundry in a couple of weeks." He said, and Dean pouted. Cas stepped forward and kissed him, his hand touching Dean's chest right where his heart was. "I promise, it will be worth the wait, Mr. Winchester." He purred, and stroking Dean's chest once more, stepped back and reached for the shirt. "I'm going to get dinner started, we're having tuna casserole."

A smile lit up Dean's features. "That sounds good." He would eat just about anything, except healthy food, which he called "rabbit food". He pulled on his own clothes, sans underwear, (he would have gotten out the pink satin panties that Cas liked, but he didn't want the kids to know he owned any) and followed Cas downstairs. Ben, Claire, and Julie were all in the living room, the tv was on and homework was going on. Dean stopped long enough to do as Cas had said, apologize to Ben. "I'm sorry that you had to see Cas and I like that." Dean told him, running a hand through his brown hair. "If you get your homework finished, there's ice cream as a reward. That goes for you two also." He said this to Julie and Claire, who just shot him sly looks.

Then he headed into the kitchen, Callie was with Cas at the stove, Cas was putting on a pan of water to boil for the water. The phone was ringing, so Dean moved to answer it. It was his father. "Hey, Dad. We're ready for you when you're discharged." Dean told him, walking with the phone to get a beer out of the fridge.

Settled back in his hospital bed, John was waiting for Jodi to come and visit. She was sneaking in some food that was contraband, but it wasn't too unhealthy. She was heading over with Chipotle. He was fine with that, it was all natural and he was starved. The hospital food was horrible, even for a Dallas cop. A highly decorated one at that. John brushed his hand across his scruffy face. "Dean, I'm ready to come, trust me." He was going to stay with his son and son in law while he was recuperating because Jodi was of course still working and couldn't take the time off. John didn't mind though, they weren't even going steady and he would get to see the kids and grandkids every day.

"Jode's bringing me something to eat that isn't the disgusting hospital fare." John said, he'd been reading before he called to check in, a Stephen King novel was on his table that was attached to the bed. He also had a can of Sprite there and some crackers. They were going to be checking his vitals in a bit, and give him some more medication. John really couldn't wait to get out of the place. Even if they were taking great care of him. "She's kind of what I wanted to talk about. I know you aren't ready to discuss Callie and that's fine." John said, and waited until Dean had acknowledged this before he continued.

A breath, and he was talking. "So, Jodi and I are…. We're talking, I guess you would say. I know it's not called that anymore, but we're… we're starting something. It's not even remotely serious, at least, not yet. I don't know that I'm ready for serious." John was still missing Ellen greatly. "Is that going to be okay with you and Cas? I still have to get Sam and Jo's thoughts."

This was not a surprise to Dean. Not that it was happening, that John wanted to talk about it right now. "We're ready for you, too, Dad. Believe me. Jamie keeps asking for "Gmpa", which I know means you." Dean sat down at the table and cracked open his beer. There was giggling from his husband and Callie, and Dean wondered why she hadn't joined the homework party in the living room. Speaking of, they were just loud enough that Dean knew some actual work was going on.

"Dad, you can date Jodi if you want to. You know how much we all care about her." Dean said, she'd been a family friend for a long time. "All we want is for you to be happy, Dad. If that's Jodi, it's Jodi." Dean knew that there was no shock in him that it wasn't serious. Dean knew that he'd taken losing Ellen hard, and Jodi had just been there. He didn't even remotely think that he was using Jodi, but she wasn't going to be more than a rebound. He didn't want to say this out loud though, he knew that his father would just deny it.

"Don't worry about that, just look forward to coming here and getting out of there."

Although he'd known that would be what Dean would say, he was still relieved and let out a sigh to show it. "I know that you want that, Dean. I know that's what all you kids want. I have to admit… I didn't see this coming. You know I'm still…. Grieving." This was said after a long pause, and he knew that Dean would just wait for him to continue. It took him a moment to get his voice back to normal. "I miss Ellen like crazy. She doesn't get to see her own granddaughter grow up. It's really not fair." They had of course discussed this before, but it was still kind of hitting him that she was really gone. "We've already lost so many people. I can't lose anymore." He was quiet a minute more as he gathered himself once again.

"She loved all you kids. And Jodi does too, but you know that."

They talked a bit more, and then John had to go, Jodi had arrived. Dean hung up and then set his eyes on Cas and Callie, who were still talking animatedly at the stove. Dean supposed that he was going to have to deal with Callie staying for dinner. She seemed to be getting along well with his husband. Dean knew that was just Cas though, he was a cinnamon roll and could get along with just about anyone. Dean could be one when he wanted to be, but he usually didn't want to. He enjoyed taking people off guard and seeing the looks on their faces. It was just how he'd always been.

 _Three weeks later_

They were just letting John in the house, Jo had picked him up on her way to work. Cas was going to be the one home with him that day, the kids were in school and Dean was going back to work as a construction worker. Cas wasn't exactly happy about it, but he couldn't really object. He knew that Dean wouldn't be happy with sticking around the house, he was made to work and for a long time he hadn't been able to do it safely. Cas wasn't going to stand in his way, all he'd been able to do was tell him to be careful. Now, he was giving John a hug as he walked in slowly. He could move on his own steam, but he was supposed to take it easy. Cas also had rules on what it was he was supposed to eat, the doctor had made sure that he and Dean knew what was going on.

"Dad, it's so good for you to be here." Cas told him, as he and Jo helped him to the couch, Cas had it set up for him to lounge around, a bedroom was ready for him upstairs as well. Part of the best thing of getting money, they had enough bedrooms and some to spare. Cas made sure he was settled in at one end of the sectional, and then he and Jo sat down too. Cas had the baby monitor closeby, and he was going to do some writing that day on a new book. Cas was glad that he could work from home, they could have John be here and take care of him without a nurse.

John gave him a half smile. Even this had worn him out. He was glad to be out of the hospital and be given a clean bill of health. He was going to be around for a long while yet. "You know I'm glad to be here. It's going to be amazing to get to see you kids every day." John let Jo pool the blankets around him. She set a bag of Chipotle on his lap, he'd been hungry and she'd stopped for him. John reached for the drink and put it in the cup holder. "Sorry to bring my own food, Cas, I know you'd be more than willing to make me something. I just really wanted takeout before I can't have it for awhile." He knew how vigilant Dean and Cas were going to be about his diet, not that he blamed them.

Waving it off, Cas smirked. "I know, Dean will make sure you eat healthy." He thought it was hilarious, because while Dean had a new heart, he wasn't exactly supposed to eat like a sixteen year old kid either. But he did and seemed to be okay. "You go ahead. You're a Winchester, I get it." He told him, reaching out and squeezing John's shoulder. Then the baby monitor made noises, and that meant Jamie was awake. "Oh, you get to see Jamie. He'll be hungry too." He said, and went up to get the baby.

It didn't take him long, he told Jamie they were going to see "Grmpa" and the baby was bouncing eagerly on Cas' hip. He was just over a little of a year old, and he was already speaking and crawling around when you let him. They let him in his playpen, which was huge and took up half one side of the living room practically, and in his room if his door was closed and someone was inside with him. He was a very curious baby and would get into things if left alone. When he got back down into the living room, Diana had also come in, and Jo was petting her.

"Oggie!" Jamie exclaimed, and Cas laughed. "Yes, Diana's here too, kiddo." He said, setting Jamie on the couch next to John. "I'll be right back with something for you to eat." He told the baby, who was now leaning as close to John as he could, trying to see what he was eating. Cas got out a bottle of milk and a couple of cans of baby food, a beef one and a peaches one. Jamie liked the peaches. Then he headed back in, Jamie was giggling as John played peek a boo with him.

Jo watched this, and she knew that this was a miracle. They had almost lost John forever. She was a bit jealous that she and Sam didn't really have the room for John to come and stay with them. That was why, not because there would be no one to look after him. Jo worked from home as well, data entry, they'd sold the bar. She hadn't wanted to, but once she had Laura, she wanted to be there for her and not have Laura be raised in daycare. She could get a job if she wanted one later when Laura started school. At the moment she was with Charlie, Charlie had agreed to babysit since Sam was working too. He had finally gotten through law school and was now a paralegal at a firm downtown.

"Hi, Jamie." She said, moving to tickle his toes. He giggled and squealed in between bites of beef stew baby food. Jo's eyes got a little misty. She and Sam were both upset that they couldn't have another child naturally. But Jo also didn't mind adopting. They'd already put themselves on the list, since it was a long wait. Sam was sure that they'd get something sooner rather than later though, with the cache that the Winchesters still had in Dallas. Even if Jo had told him that it covered the whole country. It was the stubborn Winchester streak, although she did know that here on the Dallas end he might actually be right.

"Op, Joey." Jamie admonished her, still giggling as John reached over to tickle his belly too.

Cas was laughing too hard to get them to stop, he just waited until Jamie was done giggling to give him another bite of the baby food. It took ten minutes to get him fed and the bottle of milk in his hands, but it was worth it. Cas just wished that he'd been able to film it. He looked at Jo, and he saw her eyes misty. He touched her arm, giving her a look of sympathy. Cas knew that the knowledge that she couldn't carry another baby to term had to be hard for her. Cas also knew that she wanted to adopt. He and Dean had discussed that too, although if they did, it would be only one more child. Cas didn't want to do it for another year and a half though, Jamie would be three by then and wouldn't be as much maintenance as a baby would be. He wasn't sure that Dean felt that way, too, he was sure that Dean would sign on for another kid soon.

He got why that was though, they'd both gone through losing kids before, and the threat of having them taken away. Dean wanted them to have one free and clear. "Somebody's ticklish." Cas said to Jamie, and lifted his shirt to give him a raspberry on his belly, which sent him giggling again. The dog moved to them, nosing in to get to Jamie, jumping up on the couch and across Cas' lap so Jamie could pet her. "Oggie!" Jamie exclaimed again, and reached out with one of his tiny hands to brush the fur on the top of Diana's silky head.

With a mouthful of a chicken bowl, John reached out and tweaked Jamie's toes, who giggled again and told "Grmpa" to stop. John couldn't believe how adorable the kid was. And he was so happy. John still couldn't wrap his mind around the fact that there were people in the world who didn't want members of the LGBT community adopting children or having children. Jamie was an incredibly well cared for child, and was always giggling and smiling, and he was very smart. Why his father had chosen his lover over Jamie John would never know. "Who's a big man?" He asked Jamie, who was lavishing in the attention he was getting.

The front door opened and shut, and Dean came in. He'd managed to get away early. "Jamie! There's Pop's boy." He said, coming in and setting down his hard hat. Jamie reached out his arms, wanting to "up up". Dean picked him up, and kissed Cas hello. "Hey. I got away early. My crew has got things under control." Dean bragged, and clasped John's shoulder with his free hand. "Hey, Dad, don't get used to that Chipotle." He said, giving him a smirk. "You're gonna eat what I say as long as you're here under my roof." Dean told him in a firm voice, but there was a hint of jocularity to it.

"You ain't too big to get whooping, boy." John told him, a smile on his face. Jamie was happily bouncing on his father's hip, with no indication that he wanted down. Which John didn't think was odd, except that after he ate he liked to crawl around in his playpen and play with the toys he had in there. Dean just smirked back at him and moved to join them on the couch. This is when Jamie squirmed, and Dean put him in the playpen before he went to sit with them. Immediately the sounds of a Fisher Price fire truck began to emit from the playpen.

"Go ahead and try it, old man." Dean said, as he cuddled up to Cas, who was beaming from ear to ear. Dean knew that they could joke about it now, but when he was a kid, a spanking would have happened. But Dean didn't think that that was uncalled for. Or that it was abuse. It was used mostly as a last resort, if John had had to tell him more than once. Dean didn't let that happen often, but it did happen sometimes. Dean was a willful kid and a Winchester. And he could be incredibly sarcastic and disobedient when he wanted to be. He turned his eyes to Jamie, who was moving the fire truck around, it made noises but he was making his own as well.

Snorting laughter, John said, "You know you can't take me." He reached for his drink, and Jo went to throw away his food trash for him, he didn't even try and offer to do it himself because he knew he would get shot down. He was going to let them do it, instead of letting his Winchester stubbornness get in their way. He knew they were doing it because they loved him and they needed to, not out of any thought that he couldn't do for himself. Telling himself that made it easier to just let them do things and not pushing past his limits.

This is when Cas made his leave, he had to go and get some work done. Dean let him go reluctantly, kissing him three times before he let him leave the room. Jo said she had to go and get Laura so Charlie could go out on a date, and so that left Dean and Jamie alone with John. There was so much they needed to discuss, but Dean wasn't sure he wanted to get into the heavy stuff when things were so light now. Dean knew they had to talk about Callie. And why John had never told them about her until he'd been in what essentially was his deathbed. Dean couldn't be mad about it, because he knew that it had to have been hard for John, to tell them that they had family out there that they'd never met. Dean knew that that wasn't an easy thing to have to admit.

Looking at his father, Dean wasn't sure what to say. "Dad…. I… I hate to ruin this light mood." He said, and John immediately took on a serious expression and slowly turned to face his son on the couch. Dean thought a moment before he spoke. "I know you wanted to be the one to tell us about Callie. And I… I get why you took so long to do it. Sam's more flexible than I am, but we all know that I'm just like you, hella stubborn." He let a small smile play on his lips. He usually didn't use slang that was that current. He was an old soul. "But Dad, you should have told us, and before you were dying." He said, really hoping that they weren't about to have a fight. He just wanted the truth.

That was a hard question. Even if Dean had gotten the nail on the head. "You know that I was just trying to not fuck the situation up." He said, shaking his head, and running his hand through his brown hair. He didn't know that if Dean was angry that he could blame him. But John was good at reading him, and he was sure that he wasn't angry. "I also wanted to make sure that she wanted to be in the family before I told ya'll that she was out there. I didn't know what she thought, because I wasn't sure what her mother had been telling her about me. But I swear, I didn't know about her until recently, with the last year or so. I never knew about her before that."

A pause, and John wiped tears off his face. "She's… she's staying with her mom's sister, Callie's mom passed away a few months ago. I wanted to get custody of her, but then I got sick, and she's almost 18 as it is. So it doesn't really make sense for me to do it. I wish that I could take her in right now. I'm sorry that I still ended up fucking it up anyway." John said, and he knew that it was true, even if he hated admitting it. That had been what he was trying to avoid. "You don't have to be in her life right away or at all if you don't want to. But know that everyone else wants her to be in this family."

Taking that all in, Dean wasn't sure what he was going to say. It would sound cruel to his father that he wasn't sure he was ready for Callie to be his sister. "I really am not mad, Dad. I'm not. As someone who had a kid show up and say he's mine, I don't know that I can blame you for not speaking up. It would have been hard for me to have to tell Cas if he wasn't here too." Dean was glad that Ben seemed to be settling in well, and accepting the fact that Cas was his dad, too. Dean looked into his father's eyes for a beat or two before he started speaking again.

"I am not sure that I'm ready for her to be my sister. I know how importantly we take family. I know that. But I'm just not sure that I am ready. I spent my whole life thinking that Sam was my only sibling. And it's hard to have to give up that idea." Dean knew that the same thing could happen to John, even if he thought it unlikely. Henry Winchester, John's father, had just disappeared one day. While John's mother thought he took off on purpose, John had always thought his father had been taken. Or murdered.

None of that was a surprise to John. "You don't have to be. But it will gum up the works if you don't get okay with it soon. She loves the kids, and the kids love her. And so does everyone else, as I am sure that you know." John thought it was kind of hilarious that Callie resembled Claire a bit, who had no Winchester blood in her whatsoever. But you definitely could think they were related by blood rather than by adoption and marriage. John actually thought that it was pretty cool, and the two of them were getting close, although Callie wouldn't let Claire call her 'Aunt' like she did her other aunts and uncles. Callie said they were too close in age for that.

They spoke a bit more about it and then moved on to other things, which pleased Dean greatly. John was retiring, which Dean was heartily in agreement with. His father needed to finally rest and be there for his grandkids. If he didn't slow down he might be gone before his time. And Dean knew exactly how that felt.

A few days went by, everything was going fine. John was having the time of his life getting to see his grandkids every day, and they were all getting closer. At the moment, Sam and Dean were waiting for Callie to join them. It was a no spouses event. Plus, Cas was deep in the writing zone at his laptop and refused to be disturbed. Jo had taken Laura over to Dean and Cas', and that's where the rest of the family was holed up while they were having this meeting. Dean and Sam were in a Mickey D's, Dean was starving and would eat nothing else at the moment. So he'd decided not to wait for Callie and was digging into his meal.

Sam made a face. "Dean that is a ridiculous amount of food." He was waiting until Callie arrived and only had a Diet Coke sitting in front of him. Sam hadn't even tried to talk him out of ordering that much, he knew his brother and he knew how stubborn he could be. Sam also hadn't wanted to rock the boat, because Dean had agreed to meet with Callie and acknowledge her as his sister. Sam assumed whatever John had said to him had struck a chord. Sam didn't know that he could push at it too much, Dean might change his mind.

"You're going to need another heart if you aren't careful." Sam told him, brushing his hand through his brown hair. He knew that Dean wouldn't listen though, he never did. It wasn't anything that wasn't out of the ordinary.

"Shut up, Sammy. I won't need a new heart." Dean scoffed, his mouth full of cheeseburger. He had three of them, two large fries, a strawberry milkshake, and a hot fudge sundae, which he had eaten first and it was actually empty. This is when their sister got there, and Sam stood up to meet her and they joined the queue to get something to eat. Dean watched them as he worked on his food. This was going to be hard for him, but he knew that he had to do it. John was right, it was going to make things harder if he didn't get along with the program and try and get to know her. Dean knew that he didn't want to be the only one who wasn't making inroads with her, but he also usually was the one who wasn't making inroads with things like that. He was too much his father's son.

Within ten minutes, Sam and Callie had joined him at the table. They had considerably less food. Sam sat back in his seat and unwrapped his burger. He usually ate as healthy as he could, but he decided today he could go a little crazy. "Callie's on the honor roll, Dean. She's actually moving to Claire's school." This had been mostly because of the girls being close, but also because Callie was having issues at her other school with bullying. Her aunt had tried to get them to deal with it and hadn't been able to. And while Callie would have rather fought back, her aunt chose to let her go to school with Claire. "Her aunt has been really great about her getting to know us." Sam said, trying to get the conversation started off on a good note.

Dean looked at his sister. She was definitely more like Sam if she was on the honor roll. It's not that Dean was stupid, but he didn't put as much stock in book learning as his brother did. Sam was a nerd, there was no doubt about it. "That means you're more like Sammy than you are me. What are your thoughts on music?" Dean asked curiously, he was like his old man in that respect as well. Classic rock was his main interest.

Callie smirked at him. "I don't necessarily like school as much as Sam does, I just have a desire to have a career. I actually want to be a writer, like Cas." She said, as she sipped her Coke. She had noted how much food Dean was eating, and from what she knew of him, it didn't surprise her. "I like anything, really. I'm not picky. But rock is definitely my favorite genre." She told him, and smirked at the small smile he let play on his lips. He was definitely giving her a vibe that he was like their dad. Callie looked at him. "I'm glad that you agreed to this, Dean. I am. I know how hard you fought this. And I know what it's taking for you to be here."

This was a concession on her part that Dean thought she might have trouble admitting as well. "I know that I was hard on you. And I'm sorry, okay? I really am." He meant what he said. He knew that Callie would know how hard that was for him to admit. Dean was quiet for a moment as he sipped his milkshake. "I know I was a jerk. I'm… I want us to be family. I know that you didn't know about us for a long time. I can't fault you for that either. You're just a kid." Dean knew she was going to take offense to that, but Dean was the father of a 17 year old and a 13 year old, so to him, she was a kid. "You may not like me to say that, but remember, I've got a kid that's about your age."

Even if he was barely old enough to have a teenage daughter, Callie knew that she had to give him that. Sam just seemed to be content to let them talk, and be a mediator if he had to be. Callie ate some fries as she considered what he said. "You were a jerk. But I can't blame you anymore than you can me. You had to adjust to this too." Callie couldn't blame him for being upset about the whole thing. She said, "For the record, your kids are amazing. I'm glad that Dad told you about me. I'm sorry that it had to happen the way that it did, but the important part is that it happened." Callie said, surprised to feel her eyes get misty. She wiped them with a napkin.

"Dad's gonna be okay." Sam said, reaching out to touch her arm. He was more than glad that they'd been able to do this today. "But you know that." She'd been in touch and knew that he was okay. Sam really thought maybe their luck was changing, since John was doing better. And that they weren't going to lose him now. It was amazing that they weren't going to lose him after how close they came. "We've had a lot of bad luck." Sam said, but he didn't say anything about his feelings about their luck changing, because he didn't want to jinx it, which was funny, he wasn't the one of the brothers to be superstitious. That was something that oddly, Dean was.

Callie nodded. "Yeah, he's too stubborn to die." She agreed, and this caused them all to laugh a bit. She finally felt like Dean was her brother. They were sharing a laugh. Which they hadn't done yet. Callie wasn't sure how to put her feelings into words. It was nice, getting to be here with her brothers, and she knew that they felt it too. She watched as Dean finished up his third burger and went for some more fries. She could hardly believe that he was on a new heart. "You are going to need a new heart if you keep eating like that." She admonished him.

"You sound like Sammy." Dean scoffed, waving a dismissive hand to her. Dean didn't know that he could afford to be so blasé about it, but he also wasn't going to start eating rabbit food. Dean knew that Cas worried about it too, even though there was nothing wrong with Dean or his heart. Dean couldn't fault him for that either though, because Dean had died, technically. They may have been able to bring him back, but that didn't mean that Cas wasn't going to have some worry about it or PTSD. Dean knew he would feel the same if it was him in Cas' shoes. Dean didn't like to think about if he had to be in Cas' shoes. Because that would mean that he would be without Cas, or having to watch him go through all of that. It would be incredibly hard, as he knew it had been for his husband.

The lunch lasted another thirty minutes, and then they all decided to go back to Dean and Cas' since everyone else was there. Dean on the way out got ice cream sundaes for Frankie, Claire, and Ben. He liked to do things like that for the kids when he could. When they got in the door with them, Frankie grabbed it and ran off to the kitchen, Dean laughing as he followed her. Cas was there, working on his laptop at the kitchen table. Dean leaned to give him a kiss. "Hey, sexy writer man." He said, as Ben too came into the kitchen. "You get your homework done?" Dean asked, Ben wasn't as good of a student as Claire was.

"Yes, Dad." Ben said, rolling his eyes. He leaned to help Frankie open her spoon so she could eat her ice cream. He was still having trouble accepting Claire as his sister. And now there was the feeling that he might be gay. There was this new kid Jesse Turner at school, and Ben couldn't help but get butterflies in his stomach whenever they interacted. He knew that that was not something that happened to a straight kid. He knew he could talk about it with Dean or Cas, obviously, but he wasn't sure how he felt about it. It wasn't exactly something that he'd planned in his wildest dreams.

 _You can come out of the shadows  
They're only scared of what they don't know  
But I love you as you are, love you as you are, yeah  
Yeah, you waged this war within yourself  
Wasting time dying in a shell  
They don't define you, just know they never will_

 _ **Author's note: Okay, so, wow. I wrote this in just about four and a half hours when I couldn't get back to sleep. I knew that this would be updated sooner rather than later. Funny thing is I have the TW/SPN crossover to type up, the second chapter. So really that should have been first. Oh well. I hope you're liking and I have no idea where this fic is going to go.**_


	3. As You Are

Chapter Three: As You Are

 _Right from the start  
You were a thief you stole my heart  
And I your willing victim  
I let you see the parts of me  
That weren't all that pretty  
And with every touch you fixed them_

 _Now you've been talking in your sleep oh oh  
Things you never said to me oh oh  
Tell me that you've had enough  
Of our love, our love_

 _Just give me a reason  
Just a little bit's enough  
Just a second we're not broken just bent  
And we can learn to love again  
It's in the stars  
It's been written in the scars on our hearts  
We're not broken just bent  
And we can learn to love again _

Dean played the last line on his guitar and the crowd at the club clapped loudly. He'd just finished a six song set, and he had been unsure about the P!nk song, as he wasn't usually a fan of hers, but Cas had insisted, and it turned out his husband had been right. Dean thanked the crowd and got off the stage, after putting his guitar in the case. Before he could go and join Cas, his husband had came up to him, and was hugging him tightly, and pressing his lips to Dean's passionately. All he could do was kiss back, putting the arm not holding the guitar case around Cas' waist.

"Hey, we're in public." Dean teased breathlessly as Cas pulled back to breathe. "Come on, I need a drink." His voice was a little hoarse from the singing. But he was glad that he'd done this. No one else had been able to come, the only night Dean could get was a Thursday, and that wasn't that convenient for anyone else. Dean was disappointed about that, but he was also glad at the same time. It meant it was just him and Cas. Claire was watching her younger siblings, and they hadn't had a lot of time to themselves in the last month or so. John was almost recovered enough to go back to his own place, and Dean had to admit, he was a little bummed that John wouldn't be in the house anymore.

Grabbing Dean's hand tightly, Cas said, "I'll take your guitar out to the car, and you go ahead and order us something." Cas said, kissing him once more and then taking the guitar and heading out to Dean's car. After the guitar was safely locked away, he went to head back inside. On his way, though, a tall man stopped him. He wasn't just tall, he was also built like a linebacker. "Can I help you?" Cas asked, trying to keep the nervousness out of his voice. He also was fully aware of his Brit accent, and how out of place in Texas that it was.

"I've got someone waiting for me inside." Cas said, somehow thinking that saying it was his husband wasn't a good idea. This man seemed a bit brutish and he was wearing a cowboy hat. Cas made a mental note to have Dean wear his when they had sex tonight, assuming he got out of this situation, of course. "You shouldn't have come outside on your own, babe." The man said, and Cas was surprised to find that he had a Brit accent as well. Cas froze. "What?" He asked, he was now officially scared. He prayed that when he didn't come back Dean would come looking for him.

"You heard me." The man said, and moving almost as quick as lightning, had Cas pushed up against the club wall, and one hand was over Cas' mouth. He was unbuttoning Cas' jeans with his other hand. Cas was completely immobile, and he couldn't even bite the man's hand. He had Cas' cock worked out of his jeans within seconds, and got his own jeans off and was sliding roughly into Cas' entrance. Cas cried out against his hand, and couldn't believe that this was happening.

It was over almost as soon as it happened, and the man whispered in Cas' ear. "That was for Balthazar." He said, and took off. Cas was frozen there, and as he was trying to move to get himself put back together, Dean came outside. "Dean." Cas said, his eyes filling with tears. Dean crossed to him, cursing. He helped Cas put himself back in his jeans, and then his shaking hands pulled out his phone to call the police. Cas leaned against him, burying his head in Dean's neck, crying. He hadn't been able to stop it. It had happened all over again, it was just like high school, and he felt like he might pass out.

"It's going to be okay, baby." Dean said, wrapping his arm around Cas tightly, as he waited for someone to answer the phone. When they did, he told them his husband had been raped in the parking lot of the club they were at, and they needed to send someone. As soon as he mentioned the name 'Winchester' he was told they'd be there in ten minutes or so. Dean thanked them and hung up, with his free hand sliding his phone back in his pocket. "Cas… are you…. I'm so sorry. If I was just a minute sooner.." He said, clutching Cas closer.

Trembling, Cas shook his head. "This isn't your fault. It was… it was someone connected to Balthazar." He said, his voice barely above a whisper. Dean cursed again, and Cas clutched him like he wasn't ever going to see him again. Cas couldn't stop shaking. He didn't know why this had to happen, things had been going so much better. And now this. He knew he was safe now, because Dean would never let anything happen to him, but he still didn't feel safe. He felt like he was never going to feel safe again.

Ten minutes later, a bus and the cops had arrived. Dean insisted that Cas go to the hospital to get checked out, and the cops could question him there. Cas agreed, because the man hadn't used a condom. Dean growled in his throat at that, and moved over to the ambulance, and helped Cas inside. Cas had worked himself into a panic attack, and they were giving him a sedative in an IV as they took off for the hospital.

It took about three hours before they were released to go home, between the rape kit and the cops asking Cas things over and over until they were sure they had enough to go on to go and look for the rapist. Dean was of the mind they weren't going to find him, it was going to end up that he'd come after them again and that's when they were going to catch him. Dean wasn't going to let anything else happen to Cas or anyone else in his family, Good thing he had several guns at his disposal. Dean pulled out his phone to call Sam, so they could go and get his car from the club.

Sam answered his phone, it was one am. "Dean, this better be an emergency." He grumbled as he moved to sit up, he didn't want to wake Jo, who was dead to the world after finally getting their child to sleep. He froze on his way out of the bedroom as Dean told him it was, Cas had been raped and they needed a ride back to Baby from the hospital. "Holy shit." Sam said, a little more loudly than he'd intended, but thankfully, Jo didn't move. Sam stepped over to the closet to grab some clothes. "I'll be right there, let me get dressed." He told Dean, and they hung up.

His brother in law had been raped again? Sam grabbed some jeans and a flannel and put them on and scribbled a note for Jo, just in case. Then he hurriedly went down to go out to his car. This was unbelievable, even though he knew it was more likely that you'd be a victim of sexual abuse again once you already had been. Sam just hoped that Cas was okay, and he was seething. Things had finally been good. Dean had had his gig tonight. And now it was always going to be the night Cas got raped.

Dean was sitting with Cas on the bed, they'd been discharged, just waiting for Sam to show. Dean had told him what room. He had his arm around Cas' waist, and his husband's head was buried in his neck. Dean really didn't know how this could have happened. Even though his mind knew it wasn't his fault, he was blaming himself. This is when Jodi poked her head in the room. "Hey, Jode." Dean said, surprised to see her. Maybe one of the cops had called her when they found out it was Cas. "We're just waiting for Sammy to get here." Dean said, Cas lifting his head long enough to say hello to Jodi and then burying it back in Dean's neck.

Before Jodi could reply, another officer came in behind her, grinning. "Dean!" Garth Fitzgerald the IV said, and Dean grinned back. "So good to see you man, despite the circumstances." Garth said, shaking Dean's hand, so Dean didn't have to get up or move and cause Cas to have to move. "We know they already talked to you, but we wanted to check and make sure you guys were okay." Garth said, pulling up a chair. He and Dean had gone to school together, and they'd sort of lost touch. But they'd never been warring or anything.

Dean sighed. Cas had stopped sniffling and he was pretty sure he was asleep. They'd drugged him with another sedative after the first had worn off, and he had been given a script for more. Dean tilted his head carefully, yeah, Cas was dead to the world. He turned back to Jodi and Garth. "We're… we're physically okay. But as far as mentally… I have no idea. Cas is… he seems to be in shock about it. I… I was a minute too late in checking on him… if I hadn't I could have stopped the guy. But Cas said it was over pretty quickly." He told them the connection to Balthazar part.

Leaning back in her chair, Jodi sighed too. "I can't believe this. We thought we were done with him, he's gone. Dead. I can't believe that there's anyone even still working to get revenge for him." She looked at Cas, who was snoring lightly. "I'm so sorry that he had to go through this again. And this isn't on you, Dean. Sometimes things happen and we can't stop them. Doesn't mean that it's your fault." Jodi said, but she knew that it was going to sound hollow to him. She also knew that the ramifications were going to be numerous and that it was going to seem like the end of the world, and that again, would make Dean think it was his fault when nothing he did could take away Cas' pain.

"Dean, I'm going to tell you something, and I want you to listen. Really listen." She said, and Dean looked at her. "I mean it, kiddo." She added, and he sighed but gave her a slight nod. "You are not to blame yourself for this. Under any circumstances. And if you think you aren't doing enough to help Cas, you probably are. There isn't much that can be done in these things to make the pain go away, that's the kind of thing that only goes away with time." She kept her eyes on his green ones, which had started to well up with tears a bit.

"Just be there for him, sweetheart."

His chin trembled, he'd been so focused on being there for Cas that it was kind of just hitting him, and he started to cry. He reached up with his free hand to wipe his eyes. "I just… he's been through this once before. I can't… I already hate that he had to go through this, and now it's happened again? And I… I can't do anything to take that pain away, Jode, you're right." Dean said, his voice was shaking as he spoke. "I just…. I hate to see him like this. Helpless." Dean also knew that for awhile Cas was going to be out of it, with the pills they'd given him. He tried to calm down and could feel himself starting to panic a little.

As soon as Jodi had taken his hand, he was starting to calm down. She told him it was going to be okay, and Dean barely heard her with the ringing in his ears. But he nodded, and accepted the tissue Garth handed him and wiped his eyes. This is when Sam arrived, and more hellos were exchanged. Dean gave Sam the details, and reluctantly woke Cas up. "Come on, baby, we have to go home. Sam's gonna give us a ride back to the car." Dean said, lifting Cas' weary chin to kiss him softly. Dean knew he couldn't carry Cas' dead weight out to Sam's truck.

Saying goodbye to Jodi and Garth, Sam, Dean, and Cas went slowly out to Sam's truck. Cas was still half asleep, and leaning heavily on Dean. That's where the slow part came in. Dean sighed and tugged Cas closer. "Just a bit more, baby." He said, pressing a kiss to Cas' cheek. Cas mumbled a reply but managed to pick up his feet a bit more. As soon as they were seated in the truck though and he was leaned up to Dean, he fell asleep once more.

Sam started up the truck and moved to pull out onto the road. "Dean, I can't… I can't even imagine what you guys must be going through." He said, it had started to rain and he turned on the wipers. "Is he okay?" He asked, knowing that he wasn't going to be for a long time. "I mean, I know that something like this could happen to him again, once you've been a victim your chance of it happening again is high… but still. It's… we were finally in a relatively good place." Sam said, shaking his head. "And that it was someone connected to Balthazar…." This was the part that was the most surprising. It had been long enough that they thought they were done and over with that part.

"And this isn't even remotely your fault."

Dean made sure Cas was truly sleeping before he answered. "He's physically okay. And we should get the test results back on the rape kit within the week." He said, hating that he even had to say those words. "Dude didn't wear a condom." He said, and Sam sucked in a breath. "I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to help him feel better. And I know that he won't. Not for awhile. This is gonna bring up all the feelings from the first time it happened. And I hate that. I hate that I won't be able to really do anything to help him." It was making him feel helpless too.

When they got back to Dean's car, his phone rang. It was Claire, she was checking in. In all the madness, he'd forgotten to let her know when they'd be home. Sam helped Cas in the Impala so Dean could answer her. "Hey, Claire. I'm sorry I didn't call. We're on our way home now." The club was still open, and Dean could hear music from the open windows. He also knew she was going to be able to tell something was wrong by the tone of his voice. He wasn't always so good at hiding it. "You should be in bed anyway, you've got school in the morning, kiddo."

"What happened, Dad?" Claire asked immediately, she'd fallen asleep on the couch a couple of hours ago, and had been surprised to wake up and find her parents not home yet. Claire was a little groggy but hearing her father's tone, she knew something was wrong. "I know something's wrong. Just tell me what it is." She said, and kind of went numb when Dean told her what had happened. "Oh Dad…." She said, her eyes welling with tears. He told her they'd be home in a half an hour, and she was just supposed to go right up to bed, they could talk the next day.

She hated to agree, but they hung up and she moved to make sure the porch light was on, that the door was locked, and then headed up to her room. On her way to the bedroom, she ran into Ben in the hallway. "What are you doing up, little brother?" Claire asked, sometimes she called him that just to get on his nerves. It was a holdover from when he'd insisted that she wasn't his family and Cas wasn't his dad. She folded her arms. "You should be in bed."

"I know Dad and Cas aren't home." Ben said, he'd not been able to get to sleep, and when it had passed the time that they would have gotten home, he'd started to worry. Ben looked at her, she wasn't giving anything away. "Also…. I couldn't… I couldn't sleep." He'd been thinking about Jesse. "Can I ask you something?" He asked, he knew Claire was a lesbian and might be able to help him with his issues about Jesse. Ben really liked him, and he really wanted to figure out if he should try and ask him out or not. Ben hadn't been able to stop thinking about him, and he was starting to think that maybe he was bisexual. Or gay. He couldn't remember the last time he'd had a crush on a girl.

When Claire gave him a curious nod, Ben took a deep breath. "Well, I think I have a crush on a guy." Ben said, brushing his hand over his brown hair. His eyes were deep green, just like Dean's.

"Seriously?" She asked, and he nodded again. "So you want to know if you should ask him out or not?" She asked, and he blushed as he nodded again. "Well, I don't know why you're asking me and not Dad or Daddy, but if you really have a crush on him, you have to speak up. Because you can't just not speak up. I know that it's scary, but you will regret it if you don't. You have to try. And there's nothing wrong with you if you are gay, by the way. I know that there's a lot of people who panic and freak out about having feelings for someone of the same sex. But you aren't wrong. And no one I know who's come out has regretted it."

As he absorbed this, there was the noise of the front door opening. Claire looked at Ben. "Don't go down there, okay? I talked to Dad, he said that we're just supposed to go to bed and we'll talk in the morning." She saw his eyes widen a bit. "Something happened, but I can't tell you what." She said, and he nodded and for once did what she said and went back to his room. She went to her own, and wished that she could do something to make her father feel better. She didn't know how it felt from experience, but she also knew that he did and he wasn't going to take this easily.

The next morning, Dean's phone woke him up. He grumbled, it was only seven thirty and he hadn't gotten to sleep until four. He'd gotten Cas in bed as soon as they'd gotten home at one thirty and he'd fallen straight to sleep. Dean groggily answered it, not checking who it was first. He heard Claire downstairs, making sure Ben and Frankie had breakfast, and he made a mental note to make sure and reward her somehow. It was John. He must have heard about Cas. "Hey, Dad." Dean mumbled, and decided as long as he was up he could go and check on Jamie, who was probably waking up right about now. He headed out into the hall.

"Dad, I swear, I was going to tell you." Dean said, after John had harangued him a bit about not texting him at least. "And Dad, you don't know how to text." Dean said, rubbing his eyes as he got into the nursery, Diana had slept there the night before, and she was laying on the floor by the crib. Dean smirked and peeked in at his son, who was indeed awake and wanting "Up, Up." Dean said, "Dad, I'll call you back in a bit, I swear. I'm gonna go and get Jamie some breakfast, okay?" He was relieved when John said he would answer and Dean hung up, putting the phone in his pj bottoms' pocket. Then he leaned down to pick up Jamie.

"Morning, kiddo." He said, as Jamie immediately wrapped his arms around Dean's neck. Moving slowly, he went down the stairs, it was almost Jamie's first birthday. Dean had already gone overboard with the presents. "Please tell me there's coffee." He said, as he settled Jamie in his high chair. Frankie was finishing up the biggest bowl of Cocoa Puffs Dean had ever seen, and Ben had chosen frozen waffles. Dean got out some baby food and moved to feed it to Jamie, as Claire moved to get him a cup of coffee. Dean opened the peaches and was going to feed Jamie with it until he reached out and grabbed it to feed himself. Dean held up his hands and let him.

Claire knew they couldn't talk in front of Frankie and Jamie, so she just asked, "Did Daddy get to sleep okay?" She handed him the cup of coffee, she knew how he liked it. She could also tell that he hadn't really slept himself. Claire didn't know what to say, and she hadn't been able to get to sleep well herself.

Before Dean could answer, Cas came in, looking groggy. "Dean, go back to bed, sweetheart. I know you didn't sleep." He said, taking the mug of coffee from him. Dean gave him a relieved look and went back upstairs. Cas kissed him on the way out and then moved to open the other jar of baby food for Jamie, and handed it to him. He moved to add some cream and sugar to the coffee and took a sip, and then got out some Cheerios. "You guys should get going, school." He said, and met Claire's eyes. She nodded and moved to get Frankie going, she was already dressed and was done with her cereal. He poured some of the Cheerios into his bowl and then met Ben's eye, his son was looking at him. Jamie was immersed in his baby food and didn't seem to notice anything else.

"Go to school, Ben." Cas said, his voice quiet. He didn't doubt that Ben knew something was going on with the look that he gave him, but Cas wasn't going to discuss it right now. Cas kept his eyes on Ben's, who didn't move immediately to obey him. "Ben, you're going to be late." He said, standing to get the milk out of the fridge. When Ben still didn't move, Cas gave him a sharp look. "Benjamin Cole Winchester, go to school. Claire is waiting to drive you." His tone wasn't angry but very firm.

Ben stood slowly. "Is someone sick?" He asked, slinging his book bag over his shoulder. "You guys were really late and Claire told me that she couldn't tell me what was going on. And I know that something is. You look like you got beat up and Dad looked like he didn't get any sleep at all." Ben said, he didn't know if Cas was going to actually answer him, but he also knew that he had to ask. Ben watched his stepfather's face, he seemed surprised that Ben had any idea that something was wrong. "You don't have to tell me what it is, but just tell me no one's sick. I can't… we almost lost Grampa. I can't lose anyone else."

That's when Cas knew he was also thinking of his mother. It hadn't been that long to him, and Cas knew that Ben had taken that extremely hard. Cas sighed and put the milk next to his bowl of cereal. "No one is dying, Ben, but that doesn't mean that someone isn't sick." He said, looking at him. "Just not physically. Okay?" He said, and Ben nodded slowly. "Just go to school, I promise, everything is going to be alright." He knew he couldn't promise that and mean it, but he also didn't want to go into what happened with him. Ben watched him a moment longer, and when Claire yelled out for him to get a move on, and said bye and left the kitchen.

Cas watched him go, not really sure what they were going to tell him when he found out, it was possibly going to be on the news if it hadn't already. Cas was starting to get some notoriety as an author, and it could very well be out there already.

Later that afternoon, Dean woke again to his cell phone ringing. Grumbling, he moved to answer. This time, it was the kids' school. "Hello, Dean Winchester." He said, wondering who was in trouble. There was the kids' principal on the other end, telling him that Claire had gotten in trouble for fighting. After Dean was inwardly proud of her for winning, he said that he would be down there as soon as he had gotten dressed and hung up. After he'd thrown on some clothes, he went downstairs to grab a soda to have on the way. Cas was in the living room, working on his laptop, Jamie asleep in his playpen.

"Cas, baby? You okay?" Dean asked immediately, going to sit next to him on the couch. There were no marks on his face to give away his attack, but there were on his stomach. Dean wasn't surprised when Cas hugged him tightly, burying his head in Dean's shoulder. "Hey, it's okay. You're safe." Dean said, wrapping his arms around Cas' waist. Dean was quiet for a moment, letting Cas hug it out, but then he had to tell him. "Cas, I have to go to the school, Claire got in trouble for fighting." He knew Cas would want to go, but Dean didn't want to have to take Jamie with them. He also knew that they'd probably tried Cas first, and he hadn't answered because he was working. That was something that he tended to do.

Cas lifted his head then, but didn't let go of Dean. "Did they tell you why?" He asked, and Dean shook his head. "Maybe I should go. You could stay here and watch Jamie." Cas said, although he really wasn't up for going to see anyone, despite him being Claire's father. Cas brushed his hand through his hair, and Dean told him he would go. Cas sighed and wiped his eyes, having to let go. Dean brushed his hand through Cas' hair, and his eyes shut automatically. He loved having Dean's hands in his hair. "I just don't know that I can handle it."

Brushing his lips over Cas', Dean said, "It's fine, baby. You know Claire, she probably had a good reason to be fighting in the first place. It's gonna be okay. Depending on what they tell me I'll pick up some fries or something." He said, and kissed him once more. "You want anything while I'm out? I'll drop off your prescription, make sure it's filled." Dean told him, and Cas nodded. He told Dean he wanted some ice cream, as much as Dean could carry, and after kissing him once more Dean promised him he would get him some.

Then he left, reluctantly, leaving Cas with his laptop once more.

When he got to the high school, which was actually all on the same property that the middle school and the primary school were on, he was a bit curious as to what they were going to tell him about Claire. He headed inside, and had had to get some help in finding the office, he'd never had to go before. Claire was a good kid. That's why Dean was thinking she had a good reason. He went inside and was waved right back, Claire was already in the office. Dean stepped inside, and shook the principal's hand. "I'm Dean Winchester, Claire is my daughter." He said, he never said "step" or "adopted". He also didn't let Cas say so when referring to Ben either.

"Mr. Winchester, your daughter got into a fight with three different girls." The principal told him, her name was Debra Fisher. "We had to break them up and she didn't want to stop fighting." She said, and Dean looked at Claire, who shrugged her shoulders. "She wouldn't tell us why, she insisted that she wouldn't say anything until you got here."

Dean looked at Claire then, and she was quiet before she answered. "They said Daddy deserved to get raped because he's gay." She said, and Dean's eyes widened. He turned back to Mrs. Fisher. "You want to punish my daughter because she was defending her father?" He asked, turning his angry gaze on her. "My husband does not deserve to get violated because he's married to a man." Dean said, his tone turning a bit angry. He couldn't believe that people were even still thinking that. He hated that about this world, it was the 21st century for crying out loud.

"No, no one is saying that, Mr. Winchester." Mrs. Fisher insisted. She turned to look at Claire. "You should have told us that they were bullying you." She said, and then looked back at Dean. "I will make sure that the children in question are severely punished. I don't want any trouble with you." She said this, and Dean knew it was because of who he was and who Cas was. She knew that he would definitely make a stink if something wasn't done. Dean kept his green eyes on her, a bit defiantly. "I am sorry, Mr. Winchester, believe me, if I had known the nature of the fight I would not have put Claire in any kind of negative light." She paused. "But we still have to suspend her for three days, we have a no tolerance policy on fighting."

Dean looked at Claire, and then back at the principal. "You better punish those other girls more than you are my daughter. Because if you don't, I will be back here. And I will make sure that everyone important in town knows that you let bullies who are homophobic bully my daughter. She is also gay." Dean said, he was sure Claire wouldn't mind because it was pretty much common knowledge about her and Julie. The principal met his eye and nodded. Dean stood, and Claire followed him out. They didn't speak until they had reached the Impala.

"I'm not even going to pretend you shouldn't have been fighting." Dean said, shaking his head as they got inside the car. "But you should think twice next time. Especially on school grounds." He said, and Claire nodded. "It's not that I'm not proud of you for sticking up for your father. Because I am. And we both know that what they said was wrong. But you gotta think of what the consequences will be for you if you get in a fight like that. You didn't deserve to be suspended, for instance."

As they took off out of the parking lot, Claire sighed. "I know, Dad. I should have tried to grab a teacher or something. They just wouldn't let up." She said. She brushed her hand through her long blonde hair. "I don't like anyone saying anything like that about either one of you." She said, and Dean nodded. She looked at him as they turned down the street the pharmacy and the grocery store was on. "Dad, how's Daddy? Is he okay?" Claire was angry. She was angry that he'd gotten attacked like that. And she knew it could happen to anyone, but the fact that it was because of Balthazar's goons really made her crazy. They were supposed to be done with all of that.

"Are we in danger, Dad?"

The fact that she had to ask that really irked his anger. Dean looked at her as they stopped at a stop light. "No, Claire, we are not in danger. I will not let anything happen to any of you. We will take care of this. Jodi will make sure we're safe." Dean told her. Dean sighed. "I don't want you to worry about that. Just trust me and you'll be okay." He said, and Claire nodded. In no time at all, Dean had picked up Cas' medication, the ice cream, and some pizza. It was lunchtime and he was starving. Dean pulled into the driveway and they headed inside.

Jamie was awake and crawling all over the living room. As soon as he saw his father, he wanted "Up, up!" Dean handed the pizza off to Claire, who managed to juggle it with the ice cream and pills, and went into the kitchen. Dean reached down and picked up Jamie, and Cas moved to greet him as well. Dean kissed him and they all headed into the kitchen. Dean bounced Jamie on his hip. "We got some pizza, because I'm starved. And you have to eat with your medication." Dean told him, as Claire put away the three cartons of ice cream and put some paper plates on the table. Dean got some sodas out, and put them on the table one handed. Jamie was hanging on tightly, and he knew that he wasn't going to be able to put him down. So he sat down at the table with the baby on his lap, reaching for a plate. Claire filled it with some pizza for him before she sat down to get her own.

Cas got Jamie out a bottle and handed it to him before he sat down to get his own pizza. He read the bottle of tranquilizers before he got one out, and took it with his soda before he filled his plate. "So Claire, what were you fighting with other kids about?" His expression soured when she told him what the other girls had said. He looked at her. "I love that you were sticking up for me, but Claire, you can't let yourself get suspended like that." He said. Cas filled his plate with pizza. After he'd taken a bite, he looked at Dean.

"I heard from the hospital, they rushed the tests." He said, and Dean sucked in a breath. "I'm clean." He said, and Dean let the breath out in relief. Cas wiped his mouth with a napkin. "I'm so relieved. I was worried." Cas had been. He really didn't want to get an STD. Especially because he didn't want to pass it on to Dean without knowing it. Not that he was going to be ready to have sex any time soon. He wasn't. Only because this was bringing up all the feelings he'd had from the last time this had happened. Cas had honestly thought he was doing better with it, and maybe he had been, but this was setting him right back where he'd been in high school.

Reaching out and squeezing his arm, Claire said, "That's great, Daddy." She was quiet for a moment. "Ben's probably going to talk to you about things. He knows something is going on, and he has something going on himself." She said, and they both looked at her, even Jamie, with his mouth wrapped around his bottle. "I can't tell you what it is, but it's nothing bad." She was quick to tell them. She couldn't out Ben, even if she knew they would understand and not say anything until he said something to them. She just couldn't, not to another member of the community. Even if he'd been completely horrible to her for months. She supposed she got it, even if he had been wrong to do it.

Meeting his husband's eyes, Cas nodded. "Okay. Although he did ask me this morning if anyone was sick. I told him no. Because he was worried about someone dying." Cas said, and Dean let out a breath as he reached for more pizza. Jamie put his empty bottle down on the table, and Dean handed the kid one of his toys that he could play with while sitting on Dean's lap. Cas took another bite of pizza and was quiet while he chewed. "I told him no one was dying. Dean, I think we need to ask him about Lisa. He's still got her on his mind. And he's never really talked to us about how he feels about it."

That wasn't a surprise to Dean. "I will ask him. Or we both can." Dean reached for his soda, and as he did, Jamie squirmed to get down. He placed him carefully on the floor. "Don't go out of sight, Jamie." He said, and the baby looked up at him with an innocent look on his face. Then he just smiled and dragged out his xylophone, and began to play with it. Dean gratefully stood to get another soda. "I didn't want to force him to talk about it, I remember what losing a mother feels like and I didn't want anyone asking me about it, either."

Of course, he'd been four years old. Ben was more than four years old. Dean sat back down. "We'll at least give him the option of talking about it."

Cas nodded, and was lost in his own thoughts. He knew that he was going to have to talk to Dean himself about what he was feeling. He just didn't know what he was going to say. Cas knew that Dean didn't really know how to be there for him. He wasn't going to blame him for that. He'd never been through it. Cas knew though that he was going to do his best to be what Cas needed though. He knew that Dean was also going to do his damnedest to make sure that none of them were hurt again. And Cas really had to believe that he could do it. Cas wasn't going to stop feeling scared anytime soon. The guy was still out there and Dallas was a huge place.

That evening, after the kids were in bed, they were cuddled on the couch, watching _How I Met Your Mother_ reruns. Dean had just gotten off the phone with John, he'd realized he'd never called him back and he had wanted to just rip that bandaid off while he could. Cas was wrapped in Dean's arms, and Dean was holding him a little tighter than he might have any other time. Dean was stroking Cas' arm. "So, are we going to not talk about this?" He asked, turning his head slightly so he could look at his husband. "If you aren't ready, okay. But I want you to know that you don't have to hold anything back with me. I know you know that, but I thought you might need reminded." Dean kind of wanted to talk about it, but he also knew that he couldn't force his husband if he wasn't ready.

"You just need to know that I'll do whatever you need me to do. And you might have to help me, because I don't know what to do to help you. I wish that I did."

Cas leaned up and kissed him softly. "No you don't, baby. Because you'd have to have been through it yourself." He sighed. "I don't really… it's not that I don't want to tell you what I'm feeling, I just can't talk about it right now." He just wanted to enjoy this time with his husband. Cas looked at him. "I don't… I just want to be with you." He said, and Dean nodded. Cas hated that they had all of this to worry about. They shouldn't have to worry about someone being out there to get revenge on them. Cas hated all of that. They'd been through enough in the time they'd been together. Cas' eyes brushed with tears and then buried his head in Dean's chest. He couldn't help it. Thinking about almost losing Dean and then John was hard for him to think about right now.

Letting him cry it out, Dean rubbed Cas' back. He brushed his lips over the top of Cas' head. He didn't know how to fix this, and he hated it. Dean was someone who tried to fix things. And he hated it when he felt helpless. And he knew that Cas did as well. Dean just wished that he could get him to talk about it. He knew that would help a least a little. "It's time for another one of your pills. I'll be right back." Dean said, and kissed him once more before he headed into the kitchen.

Cas watched him go, and wiped his eyes. He knew better than to think what else could go wrong. Because then they'd find out exactly what would.

 _ **Author's note: Ya'll can thank all of the Destiel fanart and vids I saw the past week or so for this update. If anyone's still reading, that is. I'm sorry for the graphic rape. I wasn't planning on it at all. It just kind of happened. I did the tag warning thing. I have no idea what will happen next, other than I'm probably going to add Ash as well. I hope that ya'll are hanging in, and I will update ASAP. Especially once I catch up on the episodes, I'm sure.**_


	4. Give Me A Reason

Chapter Four: Give Me A Reason

Four weeks later, Cas was alone in the house, waiting for Jo to come over. The kids had gone out to do something with Dean and Sam, and Cas was trying to not have a panic attack. There was some new Me Too thing on the news, and he had thought he'd be safe, he was watching E! News. Cas didn't know what he was going to do if he couldn't calm down. As far as he knew, Jo didn't know what had happened that night. Cas had managed to keep it out of the papers, the fact that he was now a Winchester had helped immensely. Cas didn't want to have to tell her. He didn't want to talk about what was wrong. He hadn't even talked to Dean about it. It wasn't that Dean hadn't tried, he had. Cas just wasn't ready to tell him how he felt.

There was no end to the nightmares, he woke up every night with the aftermath of one. Dean had only woken with him a few times. And that was mostly because they slept entangled together. Cas was dressed for the first time in weeks, and he'd showered. Dean had been making him shower, but this one he had done himself. He felt a little better, something about having a reason to get dressed and clean made him feel better. He was ordering some Mexican food, he and Jo were going to eat and hang out. Cas felt like they hadn't gotten to hang in awhile.

This is when the doorbell rang, and Cas moved to get it, working past the lump in his throat. He could do this. He went to let Jo in, even though he'd told her that she could use her key. He and Dean wanted Jo and Sam to think of their house as theirs too. Cas gave her a smile when she walked in. "I just ordered some Mexican food. What do you want to watch first?" He did his best to make his tone cheery.

Jo looked at him. She knew something was wrong with him, and she wished that he would tell her what it was. She knew something had happened, because she knew that Sam had gone out to help Dean and Cas get back to the Impala. But she didn't want to press anyone, especially Sam. She knew that that would end up bad with him and Dean. They had a tendency to lie to each other and Jo didn't want to come between the two of them if she didn't have to. "Sounds good. I don't care, whatever what you want to watch is fine with me." She told him.

It was nice to be with Cas today. She felt like they hadn't gotten to hang out in a long time. Although it had been Ben's birthday the week before, and they had been talking awhile while the kids had been playing. Jo also knew that Ben was getting ready to come out. He had confided in her. She had told him to tell his parents. Jo knew that they would be supportive, and she knew that he knew that. But she couldn't say that she understood how he felt from personal experience, because she didn't. She'd never questioned her sexuality, she had always been straight and she knew. Jo had kind of always been in love with Sam, even if they didn't hook up until after he'd gotten into college and lost Jessica.

Cas moved to make them some margaritas. He had gotten them set up so they could get drunk and silly. Since they weren't driving anywhere, it was a good idea. He added some mix, tequila, and ice to the blender and turned it on. "I think we need to let loose and get drunk." He told her, and she gave him a soft smile. Cas let it mix up well and then grabbed some glasses. "I've got some ice cream too, for when we've eaten." Cas picked up the blender to bring with them to the living room. He put it down on a pot holder on the coffee table and pulled up Netflix.

"I'm glad we get to hang out today." He said, and he meant it. He signed in under his and Dean's name, and they cycled through the categories for awhile. "We can't do _The Walking Dead_ , because Dean will kill me if I watch without him." Dean loved that show, the bad guy reminded him of John. Cas thought it was cute. Plus, Andrew Lincoln was gorgeous. Cas wouldn't say that out loud to Dean, but he also knew Dean wouldn't get jealous, they didn't think it was cheating to think celebrities were good looking. Not to mention, they trusted each other.

Jo sipped her drink. "I don't like that show anyway, Negan creeps me out." She said, and they both laughed. They both knew why Dean watched, and it was for Negan. Jo settled back on the couch. "What are you going to do for your husband's birthday? It's in a month." Jo knew Dean was a bit freaked out about turning 37, but she knew it wasn't a big deal and so would he. His was a spring birthday, May 24th. Jo didn't know what Cas was planning, but she knew that he didn't want it to be a big deal. "You shouldn't do something huge, because Dean hasn't really been that about birthdays since he got past thirty, since 40 isn't that far off."

That was something he hadn't considered. He turned on _Pretty Little Liars_ , they both liked the drama and it wasn't real for them, so it was fun drama. Cas sipped his own drink. "I know he doesn't want a big deal. But I am going to take him to see Aerosmith." He said, he'd gotten the tickets three months ago. "I know how much he loves Steven Tyler." Cas had to admit, he'd had a crush on the man most of his life. He loved Aerosmith. "I know he's not thrilled about turning 37. But honestly, he's such an old soul." Cas himself was 39, and he wasn't at all freaked out about turning 40 the next year.

"Honestly, I don't know what the family will want to do. I also plan to make sure we get burgers at a place Dean loves. I know my man, he's not a fancy person." Cas loved that about Dean. He was definitely an old soul, and he also was who he was unapologetically. He hadn't freaked out at all about falling in love with Cas. He had just owned it. Dean was who Cas was meant to be with, he was sure of it.

Meanwhile, the kids and Dean and Sam were at Dave and Busters. Even Laura and Jamie. Dean was holding Jamie and watching Ben play some games. He was killing it on some car racing thing. Jamie was looking around at everything with wide blue eyes. Dean was just waiting until they could get burgers. He was still playing his PS2 at home. Dean was old school when it came to most everything and that included video games. He bounced Jamie on his hip, and Ben cried out in an expletive when he lost. "Hey, no f word." Dean said. "You know I don't mind otherwise but your brother can hear you."

He was wondering when Ben was going to tell him that he was gay. Dean had figured it out, he'd seen some boy walking with Ben at school a few days before. He knew that that was what Claire knew about him. Dean handed Ben some more change, so he could play again. Dean wondered if he could bring it up with Ben, see if Ben would admit to it. Dean didn't want to force him though. He'd also seen that kid kiss Ben's cheek. He knew that something was going on. Dean didn't care, and he knew that Ben should know that if he didn't already. "You got anything to tell me?" Dean asked, moving around to see Ben better. Sam, Claire, Frankie, and Laura were off playing somewhere else. So it was safe if Ben wanted to open up about something.

Ben looked at his father before he put the money in. Jamie wasn't paying attention, he'd caught the sight of a Wreck it Ralph game next to them. He wasn't sure why his father was asking, and he didn't know if he wanted to tell him about Jesse. "Um, no?" He said, wondering what his father knew. Usually when he said stuff like that, it was because he knew something. Ben knew it wasn't because of Claire, even with all the shit he'd given her, he knew that she'd never out him like that. Had Dean seen him and Jesse the other day at school? Ben was fourteen now, he was able to date if he wanted to.

Sighing, Dean said, "I know that you're gay, Ben. I saw you and that boy at school. I didn't want to do it this way, I wanted you to tell me yourself. It's okay, Ben. Gay, pans, bi, whatever. You know that. You don't have to keep it from your father and me." Dean knew that he couldn't make Ben admit it now, but he wanted to make sure that Ben knew he could. "Whoever you are is okay. And if you need to talk about your mom… you can." He knew that Ben wouldn't talk about Lisa. Because he was like Dean, Dean never spoke about Mary.

This made Ben's eyes fill with tears immediately. He didn't want to talk about his mother. "I don't want to talk about her." Ben said, shaking his head. He didn't want to think about her. He turned to face Dean in the seat. He knew he should either play or move, but he had to calm down before he tried to play the game again. "You don't talk about Mary." He couldn't call her grandma. He never had. Ben wondered what it would be like to actually have one. Lisa's mother had died when he was born, and of course he'd never really gotten to know Ellen. "When you talk about your mom, I'll talk about mine." He said, and he saw Dean's wince. He hadn't meant to hurt him. He just didn't want to talk about Lisa.

"But… I think I am at least bi, Dad. I have… I think I have a boyfriend, Jesse Turner." Ben didn't know if that's what they were, but they'd been hanging out a lot. "He's a little older, 15." He hoped that that wouldn't be a problem with Dean. "He still can't drive or anything." He hastened to add.

Dean bounced Jamie again, who was starting to get hungry, he was sure. He reached into the diaper bag to get out a bottle for him. He took the cap off and put the bottle to Jamie's mouth, who began to drink eagerly. "You don't have to hide it from us. Bring him over, if you want. We can have it just be me and your father, if that's easier for him. Meeting the whole family can be kind of intense." He wondered if that had been a problem for Cas, although his husband had never seemed to have an issue with being with his family. Dean just wished that Cas' own family had been as welcoming as his was. He knew that it was hard to be without your family. Dean would never not miss Mary, Bobby, and Ellen.

"You shouldn't have to hide who you are, Ben. I don't want you to think that there's anything wrong with you. You know that there isn't. And I'm going to have to meet him before I say for sure you're allowed to date him, but him being only a year older than you is okay. You already know that I will ground you for the rest of your life if you get into trouble." Dean adjusted Jamie better so he could eat more easily.

This is when Dean's cell phone rang. He had to work quickly to answer it, and Jamie had to hold the bottle himself, something that he did know how to do. He pulled the phone out and answered it. Someone asked for Dean Winchester, and he said that was him. Then he heard some medical professional telling him his son Cory Winchester had been in an accident with his mother. The mother had died and Cory was in critical condition. Dean wished he could rub a hand over his face, this was not what he'd expected, but he shouldn't be surprised. He'd had a lot of sex with a lot of women in his youth. "Okay. I will be there. Can you tell me how old he is?" He asked, knowing how that sounded.

"I wasn't aware he existed, or I'd not need that information." Dean told her, and she told him the boy was seventeen. Dean sighed and said, "What hospital?" She told him, and he told her he would be there as soon as he could and hung up. "Okay, I've got to go and be at the bedside of a son I did not know about. Always use condoms, kid." Dean told Ben. "Can you take Jamie so I can let your uncle know I've got to leave?" Dean was so glad that they'd needed to bring two cars. Ben took his baby brother and the diaper bag, and Dean texted Sam to find out where he and the other kids were.

About an hour later, Dean was at the hospital, and they'd pointed him out to a room with a dark haired olive skinned kid. He wasn't as dire as they'd told him on the phone, he was awake, and his leg was in a cast. There were a few cuts and bruises on his face, and a big bandage on his forehead, that his black curls had fallen over. Dean knocked on the door and the kid looked up from the book he was reading. "I'm Dean." He said, and the kid gave him a slight nod. Dean came in and sat down on the armchair by the bed. "So, I'm your dad." He said, wondering how much the kid knew. He rubbed a hand over his face. "I wish I could say that I was surprised, but I'm not. I used to be a playboy who slept around a lot." Dean said, the boy was looking at him with wide brown eyes. He looked half Latino, Dean wished he remembered the mother.

Cory looked at his father. He'd always known that Dean Winchester was his dad. His _mami_ had never let him contact him or let him look him up to find out if he was still in Dallas. "My…. they told me _Mami_ is gone. So does that mean I'm coming to stay with you?" Cory asked. Dean gave him a nod. "Do I have a stepmom? Siblings?" He asked, he wanted to know what he would he be getting into going to live with his dad. He listened as his father told him he had a stepfather, two sisters and two brothers. Cory's eyes widened. "That's so cool though. What's Cas like?" He asked, wanting to know everything about his stepfather.

"Cas is a great guy. He's a writer, and we met and it was pretty much love at first sight. We've been together ever since our one night stand." Dean said. "Although technically it wasn't, I was drunk and he didn't want to take advantage of me." He said, a soft tone in his voice. "We've been together almost two years. I was… I knew Cas was the one because I had a heart condition, and I was really sick, and we hadn't known each other longer than a week or two, and Cas stayed by my side. He never left once. We actually got married in the hospital." Dean loved to talk about how he and Cas met. "It's so weird, because we met in my sister in law's mom's bar. And we'd both been going there for a long time separately and we didn't meet for a long time. There's so much more to tell you, so much more that we've been through. But seeing as what you've just been through, I won't tell it to you all now. We'll get to it in time. I spoke to the nurses, they said that they'll let you go tomorrow, as soon as they are sure that your concussion is gone. You are actually not supposed to fall asleep."

This was all something Cory hadn't expected to hear when he did meet his dad. So his dad had a husband. Cory thought that was pretty cool. He wasn't sure if he was straight or gay or what. He was kind of open to whatever happened, and he supposed that meant that he was pansexual. "Okay. What about my mom? She's my only family… who is going to handle the funeral?" Cory didn't know what to do. He had never met anyone in his mother's family, she had always told him they didn't want to know her. So that meant that it was just him. He didn't know how to do any of that.

"I can handle it, I'm sorry, but I don't remember your mother. I wish that I did. I didn't used to be a good guy. I know that. I probably didn't give her any reason to let me know about you. Your sister Frankie, that was the same kind of thing. And your brother Ben. I promise you, I'll do the best I can to be your dad. I'm getting pretty good at it if I do say so myself." He said, giving him a sly smile. Dean didn't know what Cory's mom would have wanted. "Do you know what your mom wanted?" He asked, he'd been through losing a mother at a very young age, and so he'd be able to commiserate with Cory about suddenly not having a parent in your life.

This Cory didn't know, so Dean said he would just go ahead and set up a funeral and when Cory was released from the hospital they'd go and get his things so he could come home with him. Dean had already let Cas know about Cory, that had been part of the hour in getting there, he'd not been that far from the hospital. He'd been able to tell that Cas was drunk, so he knew that he might have to tell him again. "I should go get a start on all of that, and visiting hours are actually ending. Are you going to be okay if I go?" He asked, he wouldn't feel right about it if Cory didn't think he'd be okay.

"Yeah, I'll be okay. If you promise you'll come back tomorrow." Cory said, which Dean did promise to do, and they had a half hug.

A week later, Cory was settled into his own bedroom, in between Claire and Ben. They had a lot of bedrooms. Although when Jamie was old enough to move out of the nursery he'd be sharing a room with Frankie. Who absolutely didn't mind. She loved playing with Jamie. They had about six months, and then he'd be able to move out. Dean wondered if they were going to use it one more time as a nursery, with Cory, Cas might be full up at kids. They had five now. Dean was making dinner, they were having lasagna. It was cheap to make (like they had to worry about that) and fed lots of them. He was busy putting it together. Ben, Claire, and Cory were in the family room, Ben and Claire were working on homework. Cory would be starting school the next week. Dean had had to have him transferred from his old school since he moved in with them. He was out of the district.

Frankie and Jamie were in the kitchen, Frankie was helping set the table, and Jamie was crawling around playing with Dianna. He loved that dog. Cas was upstairs, either sleeping or working on his book. Dean wished he could get him to talk about things. He'd been drawn in and closed off lately. Dean hated that Cas had had to go through being raped again. The cops were no closer to catching the rapist, either. Dean knew that that wasn't helping either. Dean finished putting the lasagna together and slipped it in the oven, along with some garlic bread.

This is when Cas came down, looking bleary eyed. He went straight to the fridge and got out a Coke. Dean looked at him. "Hey, baby." He said, his tone soft. He moved to kiss him. Cas was freshly showered, but he hadn't put on clothes, he was wearing one of Dean's old Black Sabbath tee shirts and a pair of sweatpants. Dean liked when Cas wore his clothes. "I just put dinner in the oven. You're going to eat today, right?" He asked, his green eyes looking into Cas' blue ones. Lately Cas had been trying to avoid eating if he could. Dean knew the day that Jo had come over had been just to hide to Jo that he wasn't really eating. But he couldn't hide things from Dean. They were married.

Staring into his husband's green eyes, that reminded him so much of emeralds, Cas wasn't sure what to say. He didn't want to eat. He wasn't hungry. He'd lost ten pounds since he'd been raped again. Cas only ate when Dean was watching. And since Dean went to work, he didn't eat during the day. Cas knew that Dean knew that, he was the one who was sleeping wrapped entangled around him at night. When Cas could sleep. Which wasn't often. Cas bit his lip and took a drink of his Coke. Dean's arms were still wrapped around his waist. He knew what he had to say. Because Dean would know if he was lying. Cas sighed. "Yes, I'm eating." He said, tears gathering in his eyes.

Burying his head in Dean's neck, Cas heard Dean tell Frankie to take her and her little brother to another room, and they ran off to the living room, presumably to mess up the room where they took guests when they came over. At least it wasn't the family room, since the older kids were doing homework. Cas said, his voice muffled, "You didn't have to do that, Dean." He knew it was because Dean was going to try and get him to talk. While Cas appreciated that his husband cared, he didn't want to talk about things. It wasn't going to make him feel any better.

Dean tugged Cas to the table, so he could still drink his Coke. Dean sat down in a chair and Cas sat in his lap. He sipped his drink. "Cas, I know you don't want to talk. But you should try at least. I am so sorry that I couldn't have stopped this. You have no idea how much I kick myself because I wasn't faster getting outside to you." Dean felt a lump forming in his own throat. "You're my husband, and I love you. And I should have been able to protect you." Dean hated this, he hated that Cas had to feel like this again. Dean had looked up the stats, and once you'd been abused once, it was very likely that you'd be attacked again. Predators knew what to look for.

"You have to try and get some of this off your chest, baby. You aren't eating when I'm not around, and I know how much alcohol you drink when you can get away with it. You aren't going to get a lecture from me, except about the eating. You have to eat. You aren't going through this alone. You're going through this with me, and the kids. You think the kids don't notice that you're hurting? Because they do. Claire and Ben are old enough to know that something is wrong, and Claire knows exactly what it is. You've got the worried too. Even if Frankie doesn't know what it is, she knows something is wrong and she's asked me why you're sad all the time."

Cas lifted his head so he could look Dean in the eye. "No. This is not your fault. I want you to know that. You didn't know this was going to happen. I love you so much. You do protect me. Things still happen." Cas wiped some tears from Dean's face. He hadn't shaved in a few days and he was a bit scruffy. Cas loved when he was a bit scruffy. He bit his trembling lip. His eyes were full of tears. "I don't….. I'm sorry that I'm making you all worry. I don't want to do that. I just, I thought I was done with this years ago. It happened and I went through the therapy, and despite a few times when I get flashbacks, for the most part, it's been okay. And now…."

He didn't know how to finish that sentence. Cas took another long sip of his Coke. He didn't really know what to do. "I don't…. I don't know what to do. Dean, I am really trying to get through this. I know it doesn't look like it. But I really am. I love you, and I love the kids. I just, I'm having a hard time forgetting how it feels. You know that I don't want to be stuck. I want to move forward." He said, finishing off his Coke and putting the can down.

Leaning out, Dean kissed him. He'd meant it to be a soft tender kiss, but Cas knocked it up to NC-17, kissing him deeply and reaching his hand into Dean's pants, his hand rubbing Dean's cock. Dean gasped against Cas' lips and kissed him back. When the kiss broke, he called out in a strangled voice to the kids to keep out of the kitchen for a bit. Glad that the door was closed. Dean wasn't able to say more, Cas had moved and was working Dean's cock out of his pants. He got on his knees and took him in his mouth, and Dean was choking back a cry. Cas took him in as far as he could, and his hand played with Dean's balls. Where Cas had gotten the idea to do this Dean wasn't going to question.

Sucking him until Dean was having some precum, Cas pulled down his pants enough and straddled Dean, using the precum as lube and eased Dean into his entrance. Dean gasped out loud as his cock slid into Cas. Cas wasn't usually the bottom. Dean assumed it was because of the abuse. Cas liked to be the one in control. Dean wrapped his arms around Cas' hips as they moved together, and Cas leaned to kiss him. Dean's hand moved around and started to stroke Cas' cock, trying to match the hip movements they were both making. "Oh fuck, baby…" Dean managed to say against Cas' lips.

It was quick and fast, and Cas and Dean both were going to have to change clothes, Cas came all over both of them. Dean reached up with both hands to cup Cas' face. "I love you. I love you so much. You have done so much for me, and I want to be able to be there for you and do the same kinds of things for you. You just have to let me. I'll never be able to make up for the things that you do for me, but I want to try. I know I'm not good enough for you, and I never have been. Fuck, we just got _another_ of my kids. I always tried to use a condom, but I've got three kids that are mine because I couldn't keep it in my pants."

Dean started again before Cas could cut in. "Don't tell me that I'm good enough for you. Because I'm not and I know it. I am the luckiest man in the world because you fell in love with me. I was never with a guy before you. But you are the one I want to be with for the rest of my life. I know you know that, but I think you really need to hear that right now. You are the love of my life Castiel Winchseter. You love me and you took my family into your life."

Cas pressed a kiss to Dean's lips, as they both worked themselves back into their pants. "Dean, you have saved me in so many ways. You gave me a life that I never thought I was going to get. I know you think you aren't good enough for me. But you are. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. I wouldn't make it through anything without you. I would be dead without you, Dean." Cas knew this was true. Because if he hadn't this family and Dean he'd have killed himself this time. He knew he had to say that part out loud. Dean had to know. "Because without you and the kids, I'd have killed myself that night." He said, and Dean's green eyes widened and filled with tears.

"But I do have you and the kids. I'm trying to get better for all of you. I would be dead without you. You are that important to me, Dean. You make me want to keep breathing. Don't you ever again say that you aren't good enough for me. _I'm_ not good enough for _you_." Cas knew Dean would disagree with that, but it was true. As far as Cas was concerned.

Dean moved his hands down to Cas' shoulders. "Castiel Winchester, I want you to promise me right now that you will never even consider killing yourself ever again." He said, and Cas nodded. Dean was crying as he spoke. "Because I couldn't make it if I lost you. I couldn't and neither could these kids. I can't make you want to live, but you have to try for us. For me. I've lost so much of my family already, and I can't lose you. I can't." Dean was crying too hard to talk anymore, and they wrapped their arms around each other, the oven timer going off.

Sniffling, Dean said, "I'll get that and we can go up and change for dinner." Cas nodded, and they both went up to change, asking Claire to get the dinner out of the oven.

The following morning, Claire was the first of the kids up, and she went downstairs to find Cas in the kitchen. "Hey, Daddy." She said, and moved to get a bowl of cereal. "So, you going to tell me how you feel about what happened?" She asked, arching an eyebrow as she sat down with her bowl of Fruit Loops. "Because I know that something happened and you won't talk about it even with Dad. He told me what happened Daddy. And I know you don't sleep much, and I know how much you're not eating."

The fact that Claire had noticed all that was not a surprise to Cas. She was a very observant child. "Claire, please. I'm trying. I know that you think I'm not. But your father and I talked about this last night. I'm going to try and do better." He said. Cas was sitting there with his laptop. He'd actually been working on his book. He'd been up since four, he and Dean had gone to bed about ten, and he'd slept, but he'd woken up at four and couldn't go back to sleep. It was now seven. The kids had an hour and a half until the bus showed up. Since Cory didn't start school until the next week, he was going to help Cas keep an eye on Jamie and Frankie.

Speaking of Frankie, she came running downstairs. When the fall came, she'd be starting kindergarten. They'd discussed starting her in preschool and had decided against it. She hadn't been ready to be away from home like that. Cas knew it was because she'd lost her mother, and was still getting used to having a stable family life. "Morning, kiddo." Cas said to Frankie, who reached for her stool and reached up to get her Cocoa Puffs. Claire usually helped her with the milk. This time it was already on the table. Frankie slid into her booster seat and Claire poured her milk. "Morning Daddy." Frankie said. "Papa said he's coming down too." She told him, and Cas knew that once the kids were out of the kitchen they were going to talk about how Cas wasn't sleeping.

She dug into her cereal, and Claire put her bowl away in the dishwasher and moved to make a fresh pot of coffee for Dean. Cas didn't really drink coffee anymore. Since he wasn't sleeping much. Claire wished her sister could have slept at least a half an hour later than she did. Claire wanted to talk to her father. Everyone had taken Ben's being with a boy in stride, all Frankie had asked was if they kissed like Daddy and Papa. Ben had blushed and they'd all had a laugh. Claire and Ben were also getting along a bit better, he'd started to relax as he realized that his family wasn't going anywhere.

The front door opened, bringing Sam. He was going to take the kids to school. "Hey, guys." Sam said, and noticed how gaunt Cas' face looked. Sam moved to sit down at the table. Dean came into the kitchen, and Sam said, "Oh, Dean, close your robe." He had no desire to see the boxer briefs Dean was wearing. Dean didn't even try to blush and closed his robe. Sam listened to the coffee percolating and looked at Claire. "Why don't you go and make sure Ben's up for school?" He asked her, and she shared a look with him before she moved to go upstairs. Frankie excused herself to go and watch cartoons.

Dean picked up her bowl and put it in the dishwasher, getting out some eggs and bacon. "Cas, you're eating breakfast whether you like it or not." He said, as he got out a frying pan. "Sammy, you want some eggs?" He asked his brother, who shook his head and said he just wanted coffee. Dean said, "Fine, jerkface." He watched the coffee dripping into the pot and groaned at how slowly it was going. He added some pam to the pan and then began mixing up the eggs in the bowl. Dean looked over at Cas. "Oh, babe, were you working?" He asked, he wasn't going to talk to Cas about his insomnia with Sam here. He knew that Cas wouldn't want to.

"Yes, babe, I was writing." Cas said, and knew he'd have to eat breakfast. He caught Sam looking at him, and he met Sam's green eyes. "Morning, Sam." He said, wondering how long it was going to be before they made him speak to John. John had done his tour in the special victims unit, it was a requirement for all cops. Most of them opted to do only the two years, John had done six. Cas knew that John would know how to talk to him if he wanted to talk. Cas just wasn't sure that he could talk to him about it. Since it involved the rape. Cas thought of John as his father too and he just wasn't sure if he could get through a conversation like that with his father in law.

Glancing at his brother, who was adding the eggs to the large pan, Sam then looked at Cas. "You don't have to pretend you're okay for me, Cas. I know what happened. You don't have to talk about it, but you don't have to pretend to be okay." Sam moved to go and get some coffee, since it was finished percolating. He poured himself a cup and then one for Dean. He knew that Cas wasn't drinking coffee lately. Dean had told him, and Sam could only guess it was because he wasn't sleeping so well. Sam wasn't going to make Cas talk about that either if he didn't want to.

"I can't imagine what you're going through, Cas."

Before Dean could add his two cents, the phone rang. He picked up the house phone, it almost never rang unless it was school for the kids. "Hello?" He asked, and was surprised when he heard a voice he hadn't heard in years. It was Ash. "Ash, what the fuck, man? Where have you been?" Dean asked, Ash had gone to high school with him and then a couple of years after he'd just been gone. Dean had always wondered if Ash had had a crush on him or something. It was just a feeling that he'd always had.

"Hey, Dean. I thought I'd tell you I'm back in town." Ash said. He had had a huge crush on Dean back when they were kids, and he had had to get away because he knew that Dean would never feel the same. Then he heard Dean had a husband. Ash was kind of curious and had to meet the husband. Ash was staying in a hotel for the moment. He'd made a lot of money working for Apple. He had sold his place in California and was now back. He knew that he wasn't going to get Dean, he wasn't going to honestly try, but he had to find out why it was this guy. Why it was this guy that Dean had finally come out for. Ash had been sort of keeping in touch with Jo, and she'd let him know the last time they'd talked, which had been about a month ago.

"I also hear you're married." Ash said, giving Dean the opportunity to tell him it was a man.

Dean stirred the eggs with the spatula and added the bacon to the other pan. "Yeah, to a man. Castiel Novak. He took my name. Why?" Dean asked, he knew that Ash had had a crush on him and was asking to see if he was married for that reason. He wanted to see if Ash would say that was the reason. He knew that he wouldn't, but Dean had to see if he could get him to. That was just how their relationship worked. "Garth is still in town, by the way." Garth and Ash had had an off and on thing all throughout high school. Dean wanted to put Ash's ex's mind on his brain. Remind him of what he'd had. Garth still wasn't seeing anyone seriously and he knew that he'd be glad to know that Ash was back.

That was news to Ash. "Well, I haven't spoken to him in years." He said, he knew that was Dean's way of changing the subject from his marriage. "Is he with anyone?" Ash asked, doing his best to make sure to not sound like he was curious. That would give Dean the win. And he was trying not to do that. It was always a power struggle with them. Ash was one who enjoyed it, and he knew that Dean did too, even if he didn't want to admit it out loud.

"No, he's not with anyone. He'd probably be glad to hear from you. Why don't you call him?" Dean said, and hung up. He was kind of mad now. He knew what Ash's intentions were, and he didn't want the other man to cause contention in his marriage. And Dean knew that if he let Ash meet Cas, that's exactly what it was he was going to do. Dean finished cooking and placed a plate in front of Cas, being quiet as he sat down with his own. He was going to end up thinking about this all day, and he had enough on his plate at the moment. Fucking Ash.

 _Lost from the start I might as well be on the moon  
Much colder than I thought even in the month of June  
No communication makes you feel so alone  
All we need is patience in which I've never really known_

 _But now it's too late, it's taking over me  
It feels so supernatural and I'm pulled the other way  
It's more than I can take and I'm losing hold of everything  
And no matter how I try you know I can't deny  
_' _Cause you feel so supernatural_

 _Through the atmosphere I'm seeing  
Glimpses of the past I'm leaving  
Holding on for life as we collide_

 _ **Author's note: So, I had this started for awhile. Sorry it's taken a bit to update. I swear, Ash will not cause trouble for Destiel. As much as he might like to. Garth and Ash will probably hook up. And a talk with John and Cas is coming. Only because they love Cas and want him to get better. Not sure what will happen next, other than a surprise pregnancy. I won't tell you who. And I SWEAR, Cory will be the last of Dean's kids from his past. If they have any more, it will be him and Cas who adopt. I SWEAR. Cory's PB is Tyler Posey because he's a precious baby puppy and I love him. He might not be the last secret child, however. ;)**_


	5. Glimpses of the Past

Chapter Five: Glimpses of the Past

Another month later, and things were starting to settle in at the Winchester house. Cory was sitting on the couch, working on his homework. He was with Claire, who was also working on her homework. Ben was out at Jesse's house, which was a surprise to Cory that he was allowed to do that. He wasn't sure why, but he wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth in case it ever was okay for him to hang out with his boyfriend or girlfriend if he ever got one. Cory looked at Claire, who was only pretending to concentrate on her homework. Jamie was in his playpen, and Frankie was outside playing with Diana and her little friend April from next door.

"What's up with you, Claire?" He asked, reaching for his soda to take a long drink.

When her brother asked her what was wrong, Claire wasn't sure that she could answer that honestly. She didn't want to talk about what was wrong with her. She was still worried about Cas, and she was having trouble with Julie now. Why, she didn't know. She ran her hand over her long blonde hair and looked at him. Cory was pretty cool. He'd adjusted easily to having a set of same sex parents, and siblings that he'd never met. It was better than what Ben had done when he came to live with them. She was just finishing her book report, her first draft. She still didn't know what to say to his question, and he was just looking at her, waiting patiently. That was the annoying part. He was still just waiting patiently. That wasn't exactly the most favorite thing about people in Claire's opinion.

Sighing, she finally spoke. "I don't really want to talk about it." Claire closed the book she'd had to read for her book report and then moved on to her history homework. It was a quiz that would be a practice for the real one at the end of the week. Claire loved history, it was her favorite. She was already counting on getting an A.

This is when Dean got home. He grinned as he saw the kids. He was carrying several bags of groceries, He said, "Hey, kids. You seen your dad?" He asked, and Claire told him he was upstairs asleep. Dean asked them to take a few minutes to put away the groceries, except the burger patties and the french fries, and then headed up to see Cas. Dean changed out of his work clothes into a pair of soft cotton Manchester pj bottoms that Cas had gotten him, with a soft blue Henley. He leaned over Cas on the bed and kissed his cheek.

"Cas, baby, wake up." Dean said, kissing him again and running his fingers softly through Cas' hair.

Yawning and stretching, Cas wondered what time it was. Dean didn't always work a full eight hours, because he didn't have to. Besides their money from Cas' writing, Dean also had a full crew who could work for him. Cas sat up, and reached for the bottle of water and meds sitting on the table next to the bed. He took out six pills out of six bottles, and then swallowed them all with half the bottle. Then he put it down with the lid on and then he looked at Dean. "Hey, baby." He said, and allowed Dean to kiss him, bad breath be damned. Cas yawned again and then ran his hand through his sleep mussed hair. He looked at him. "What time is it?" He asked, his voice groggy from sleep.

"It's four, babe. I thought we could do a cookout before it gets colder this weekend." Dean said, and Cas nodded, rubbing his eyes. Cas looked at Dean. "I love you so much." He said, and reached out to hug Dean tightly to him, and Dean hugging him back just as tightly. Cas shivered as Dean ran his fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck. That felt really good. Cas buried his head in Dean's neck, and started to cry. Why, he wasn't sure. He felt so weird and he didn't like it.

Dean rubbed his back. "Oh, baby don't cry." He told him, he hated to see Cas upset. The last month had been kind of weird as far as Cas was concerned. Dean was doing his best to be there and he still wasn't sure what to do. Dean loved Cas, and he hated that Cas was feeling this way. Maybe he should have Cas talk to John about it. It wasn't the first time it had occurred to him, but it also hadn't seemed like something that Cas was ready for just yet, either. "You think maybe you're ready to talk to Dad about things?" He asked, hoping the answer would be yes. Dean was just doing his best but he somehow knew it wasn't as good as it could be.

"I know I'm not doing a very good job."

At this, Cas pulled back to look into those emerald green eyes that he loved so much. "Dean, no. You are the best husband that anyone could ask for. You know how much I love you. You are doing your best to help me and I don't know what I would do without you. Or anyone in your family." He had no real family of his own anymore, his aunt had passed away and Lord knew Gabriel didn't give a flying rat's ass if he lived or died. And Michael was gone. There was no one. And Cas was kind of relieved about it. He wasn't a Novak any longer. He was a Winchester. And he was so glad to be one. "You haven't had to deal with this as long as I have. It's new for you, You are trying your very best and it is appreciated, I promise you." Cas told him, and then kissed him again, long and slow.

Dean let him kiss him and then he had to pull away. "No, babe, not right now. But I promise, later, I'll give you what you want." Dean told him, and leaned to kiss Cas again softly. "I'm gonna go down and start dinner, I know it's early but I wanna do the burgers outside before it gets dark." Dean couldn't wait for summer, it was still a bit of a ways off and he just wanted to go back to wearing sandals and not having to have a jacket on when he went outside. "I invited Callie, Jo and Sam told me they couldn't come, they just didn't tell me why. But Dad and Jodi might stop by, they're having a date I guess tonight." Dean was of the mind that they'd make a great couple.

This is when Claire hollered up the stairs. "Dad, it's Ash, he's here." Dean wondered what Ash wanted. "You should come downstairs, baby, and see the kids. Plus, soon there will be burgers." He wondered what Ash was doing here. It's not like he had anything to say to the guy. Because he didn't. It's not like they were warring, but he knew that Ash had a thing for him, and he knew that Ash wasn't going to stop feeling that way anytime soon. He brushed his hand through his hair. Ever since Ash had been back, he'd been going out of his way to avoid Garth. Which Dean didn't think was very cool. He was pretty ticked off about it.

"Okay, I'm going to go get rid of Ash. You come down when you're ready." Dean told him, and then took the stairs two at a time to get downstairs. Ash was in the kitchen, Claire must have let him in. Dean looked at Claire. "Hon, go and put the burgers on the grill. This won't take long." She nodded and he looked at Ash. "What the fuck are you doing here? I know you've been ignoring Garth, and I know why. You can't have me, Ash. I'm married. And you've seen my gaggle of kids. So give it up."

None of this was putting Ash ill at ease. He didn't really care if Dean was angry at him. Ash wasn't trying to get in Dean's pants. He did still have feelings for him, but that didn't mean that he was actively trying to steal Dean from Cas. He knew that Dean wasn't going to believe that, though. He wished that he would, Ash wanted things to be good now that he was back. "I know you think that. That I want you back. But I don't. I won't lie, I do have feelings for you. But that doesn't mean that I'm trying to end your marriage." Ash told him, he'd cut off his mullet and his hair was only shorn to the nape of his neck. He knew that it would be weird for everyone but he personally had liked the breeze of it when he was living in Cali.

Dean looked at him. "You've also been going out of your way to avoid Garth. Why? If you don't want to get back together with him fine, but tell him. Tell him that you want to be single or whatever. He actually has feelings for you, God knows why." Dean said, shaking his head. "Garth is a _really_ good guy. I just can't believe that you're doing this to him. You've never been cruel, Ash. Why are you doing it now? Garth deserves to be with someone who cares about him. And that used to be you." Dean knew that Ash had loved Garth, too. Dean hadn't ever even remotely been gay or bisexual until Cas. So Ash wouldn't have been able to do anything as far as Dean was concerned.

"Would you just drop it? I just came over to see how ya'll were." Ash said, running a hand through his hair. Ash knew that Dean wasn't going to believe that, but it was what the truth was. He looked around. "Ya'll have got a nice place." Ash hadn't actually been to their place. Ash wondered what it must be like to have a family to fill up your huge house. Ash didn't exactly have a family and he was lonely a lot. That's why he had come back to town. He wanted to be around people that knew him, and had used to be his friends. Ash hadn't exactly been in touch with people over the years. He'd gotten too wrapped up in his Apple Life.

Dean folded his arms, and looked back at him. He knew that Claire was watching, and he didn't mind. He knew that something was going on with her and this might be a good distraction. He stepped closer to his old friend, and he knew Ash was probably feeling a bit uncomfortable. Dean was trying to assess if he was lying. Dean had used to be able to tell. "I hope you're telling the truth, Ash. I know we've been friends for a long time. I wouldn't want to be able to lose you as a friend."

As Dean was talking, Cas came down. Dean smiled. "Hey, baby." He said, his tone softer, the one that was reserved only for Cas. Dean pulled Cas to him, and wrapped an arm around his waist. He knew Ash would see it as trying to make sure that he knew that he was taken, but it was mostly because Cas had been weaker lately, due to the not really eating. Dean did his best when he was home. Cas was incredibly depressed, and with him still dealing with the rape, it made sense. He wished for what seemed the millionth time that he could do more.

"Cas. baby, you remember Ash."

When Dean said that, Cas nodded. He set his blue eyes on Ash, who was trying to look as if he was just chill, Cas knew. He leaned into Dean. Cas, ever the polite Brit that he was, asked, "Do you want to stay for dinner, Ash? We're having burgers and fries, I think." Cas would have called them 'chips', but the longer he stayed in Texas, he picked up Americanisms. He never lost his Brit accent though. Which he thought was hilarious, he'd been living in Texas for a long time now. He was broken out of his thoughts when Ash said that would be just fine, and Dean gestured for Ash to proceed them into the kitchen, so he wouldn't notice as much of Cas leaning so heavily on Dean.

Cory had the fries out, getting ready to put them in the oven. Dean only used the fryer on special occasions. "Hey, Dad, Cas." Cory said, he really liked Cas. He was finding it easy to get along with both Dean and Cas. He gestured towards the back patio. "Claire already went out to start the burgers, Dad." Cory said, and he knew that as soon as Dean had helped Cas to a chair, he'd go out and take over. Dean was the king of his barbeque. Cory just knew that was part of being a man. He went to get drinks for Cas and Ash as Dean went outside, and two seconds later, Claire came in.

"You could help with the salad, Claire." Cory said, They already had the fixings to mix up potato salad as well. That was mostly for Callie, she liked it. Cory was humming a _Panic at the Disco_ song as he worked on combining the ingredients in one of the bowls. Claire rolled up her sleeves and got to work with the other bowl. They were never at a lack of food. Dean made sure, especially lately, since Cas wasn't eating like he was supposed to.

Cas looked at Dean's friend. They'd only met a few times since Ash had come back to town. He wasn't sure what to think of him. He had decided however, that Garth deserved better than Ash. Cas had even decided to tell Garth that when he saw him next. Now that he was back, he came over every Friday night and joined them in board games. He usually got drunk with Dean and he ended up staying, passed out on the foldout couch. That Cas didn't mind. Garth was a good guy. And despite the fact that he was a cop, he helped Cas get weed when he needed it.

"So why did you drop by, Ash?" Cas asked, his hands opening the beer Cory got him. He knew the kids were listening. Cas wasn't sure what he could do about that, but he also didn't want Ash to think that he wanted to hide things from the family. He knew that Ash had a thing for his husband.

He opened his own beer, and then he took a long sip of it. "I just wanted to see how ya'll were doing." Ash told him. He knew that Cas didn't really like him, and he knew why. He knew that Cas had taken Garth's side in this whole thing. Which Ash knew he couldn't be upset about. He had gotten back to town and had met Cas first. And Ash knew that Garth was a good guy. Ash felt really guilty for treating him the way that he was. He was just trying to keep Garth from getting hurt. He wasn't good enough for Garth.

Yeah, he had a lot of cash, but Ash also wasn't the best person. He had issues just like everyone else, but he wasn't good at hiding them. Garth was just one of those genuinely nice people who never hid anything from anyone and he was always nice to everyone he met. There weren't really any guys like Garth anymore. And Ash was completely gay. He may have made out with a girl at a party, he couldn't remember all the parties, but it was only under the influence of a substance. He wondered if he should bring up the elephant in the room. The fact that Cas didn't like him. He decided not, he wasn't sure that now was the best time for that.

The front door opened, and Callie came in. "Hello, family. I bring Oreo pie." She said, and Cory and Claire both expressed their pleasure. "Homemade too, I didn't bother with buying them at the store." She put them in the fridge and grabbed herself a soda. She hopped up on the counter by Cory and Claire. She was glad that no one had thought to call them the three Cs, even if Cas could be included since he was a 'C' too. She swiped a carrot stick and took a bite. She looked at Ash then.

"So, you're Ash." Callie sad, wondering what it was that bothered everyone about Ash so much. He seemed pretty cool to her. She sipped her drink and watched him. He seemed to be trying to act cool, but Callie knew that he wasn't cool. That was curious.

He looked at her. "Yeah. I already know you're Callie. John's got pictures of you hanging all over the living room at his place." Ash could tell that pleased her. "I can't imagine what it must have been like to have to wonder what your dad was doing out in the world, and not with you." He said, shaking his head. His own father had died when Ash was too little to remember him. Ash brushed his hand over his hair, and he wondered what Callie was like. He had to think about her and not his father. Ash really got bummed out when he thought about his dad. He didn't like to think about that he never got to know his dad. Ash's father had been a Gulf War veteren, and Ash was just so glad to know that could be proud of him, Ash could never put himself up to go and defend his county. He was too much of a chicken. And then his father had come home and worked two jobs to keep food on the table. Ash was really sad about getting gypped out of getting to know him.

"Don't act like you're trying to play nice." Cas said, surprising them all. Everyone in the room looked at him. His gaze was fixed on Ash. "I know you're in love with my husband. I know that you've been treating Garth like shit. And you shouldn't be. Garth is really good for you. Even if he deserves so much better than you." Cas was gripping the side of the table so hard his knuckles were white. He was so angry and he didn't know how else to keep it in. But he just couldn't. He had to let it out.

"You are not going to get Dean to cheat on me, no matter how hard you try. I know that you think you're going to just be a "friend", but I also know that your subconscious will try. I can't blame you for having feelings for Dean, but I can't be behind you trying to get into his pants." Cas was so mad, and he didn't want to have to apologize for it. He knew that he didn't trust Ash, and he didn't think that he ever would. And he knew what problem that would cause with Dean.

Cas kept his gaze on Ash as Dean came in with a first plate of burgers. Cas knew that Dean could tell the atmosphere had changed. Cas folded his arms, just staring at Ash, daring him to say a word.

"What's going on, babe?" Dean asked, knowing something had happened. He put the plate of burgers on the table, and asked Cory to go out and work the burgers on the grill. Claire, sensing they were about to have a fight, went with her older brother, not wanting to see the fight, Dean assumed. As the sliding door shut behind them, Dean asked, "What's going on?" His tone was a bit firmer than it may have been earlier, since he hadn't been answered. He placed a hand on the back of Cas' chair, so he could stroke the back of his neck calmly, he knew that Cas was pissed off.

That was the question of the day, wasn't it? Cas broke his gaze on Ash in order to look at Dean. "I was just telling Ash that I know he has feelings for you, and that he isn't going to get you to cheat on me." Cas said, and he saw the look Dean wore, of an 'oh my god' expression. Cas knew why Dean had that look. He had been hoping not to make this a "thing". "Ash is not the actor that he thinks he is." Cas reached to fill a plate with potato salad and a burger. Callie was still sitting on the counter, her eyes wide and her face trying to guess what would happen next.

After Dean looked at Callie with a pleading leave, look, she hopped off the counter and went out to join her niece and nephew. Callie and Claire were best friends, and Cory was slowly gaining his way in. They were the Three Musketeers. Always hanging out together. Dean knew that something had happened with Claire and Julie because she had been the third Musketeer before. Then it had been four for a bit, like they'd gotten their D'Artagnan. Then Julie had been gone for a bit. Dean turned back to look at Ash and Cas. This situation was getting stressful.

He was quiet a moment more, trying to decide what to say to what Cas had said. "Okay. Ash, Cas is right. You aren't going to get me to cheat on him." He said, but he honestly didn't believe that that was what Ash had in mind. "And baby, if I know you, you brought up how he's been treating Garth and how upset it makes you." Dean had noticed how quickly Cas and Garth had taken to each other, and he thought it was pretty cool, because he and Garth had been close in high school. Dean had hated losing touch with him. "Ash, Cas and Garth are really close. He's gonna be mad at you until you do something to change that shit."

Having it coming at him from both sides was not what Ash wanted. "Okay, look. I'm gonna go. I don't deserve to have to deal with this." Ash said, and stood. "I'm sorry that you can't let things not be your business." He said, shaking his head. He moved and went down the hall, not letting Dean call him back. He went out the door and then ran into Garth on his way in. "Oh fuck." Ash said, as Garth came to a stop in front of him.

Ash was the last person that Garth had expected to see tonight. He folded his arms. "What the fuck, Ash? If you want to just not be with me, you could just tell me." He said, some of his hair falling over his right eye. He needed a bit of a trim. "I've been trying to get a hold of you. You're acting like a total douche." Garth moved closer, as Ash was trying to sneak around him. "Did you get into a fight with Dean and Cas about something? Is that why you're leaving?"

That was something that Ash didn't want to answer. He sighed. There was no way around this. "I did get into a fight with them. And yes, part of it involved you." Ash said, wishing that there was some way out of this, and he was hoping that there wouldn't be any yelling. Ash ran his hands through his hair, and then put them on his hips. "Garth, you are a great guy. You are. But I don't think it would be fair to you if you and I started up anything." Ash said, and he really needed Garth to believe him. Because he knew how things could be damaged beyond control.

"Look, I'm so sorry that I hurt you. I didn't want to. I'm trying to _keep_ from hurting you more." Ash gave Garth his best pleading gaze.

He knew what look Ash was giving him. Garth wondered if he should let him off the hook. Garth decided to leave him dangling a bit. "I'll think about things, whether we should still be friends." Garth told him, and then stepped around Ash to go into the house. "Hey, fam, I'm here!" Garth said, as he came into the kitchen, finding Dean and Cas kissing. "Hey, guys. Romantic." Garth teased in a semi high voice and they jumped apart, Dean laughing. They hugged and then Garth leaned down to kiss Cas on the cheek. "Hey, darlin." Garth said, moving to sit at the table.

Dean clapped him on the shoulder, and the three kids came back in, carrying the burgers and hot dogs. They'd cooked what they had so the grill was turned off. Dean called everyone to the table, and then went to get Jamie so he could sit in his high chair. "Well if Dad and Jode are coming it's not right now, so we'll go ahead and eat." He put Jamie in his high chair and gave him a hot dog cut up, he was teething and could handle chewing it. He couldn't believe how big he was getting. Dean moved to help Frankie with putting her condiments on her burger.

"Dad said he had to change his plans, Jodi had to meet him a little later. So they won't be by." Callie told her brother, she was putting together her hot dog. She loved burgers but she wanted to start off with one of the franks. They were ballpark and she loved them. She had piled some sauerkraut on it and was now taking a big bite as Cory was putting the fries on the table for those who wanted them. Callie's eyes fell on Jamie, who was happily chewing his own hot dog bite. "I see you, Jamie." She told him, and he giggled around the bite. Callie loved coming over here. She and Claire were sitting together, they were best friends. Callie had never had a friend like Claire. It was really cool that they were niece and aunt but so close in age.

Cas was reluctantly letting Dean put together a burger for him, another, since he'd actually eaten what was on his plate in the first place. Cas knew he was going to be made to eat some of the pie that Callie had brought, too. Cas didn't mind so much about that, he loved chocolate pie. Cas wasn't really keeping too much attention on the conversation, he was thinking about what had just gone down with Ash. And of course, what had happened two months ago. He couldn't stop seeing the guy raping him when he closed his eyes. He couldn't stop, no matter how hard he tried.

He noticed that everyone was having a really good time, especially Frankie. Cas definitely felt that he was bringing down the party. He moved over to fish a beer out of the fridge, even if he shouldn't be drinking on the meds that they had given him. Cas hated that he needed them, but he did. Cas had often thought of taking them all at once and just bowing out. Letting the world go on without him. He knew that he couldn't do that to Dean, though. But he couldn't stop the pain. He had to stop the pain.

Slowly, he found himself standing up and going to the silverware drawer, and pulled out a knife. He saw a vein popping out on his thinner left arm and slid the point of the knife along it, watching the blood come spurting out, like he was above himself in the air.

"Cas! Baby, no!" Dean cried, as Callie was pulling out her phone to call 911. Cas had easily cut his other wrist, and his eyes were already starting to droop. He was weaker and therefore passed out more easily when he took meds, that kind of thing. Dean resolved he was going to take off some time from work and make sure that Cas was doing what he was supposed to be doing. Right now, he grabbed a huge roll of paper towels and put them to Cas' wrists. "Ben, get Jamie and Frankie out of here." He said, his voice shaking as he tried to stop the bleeding.

Dean's eyes were brushing with tears. "Oh baby, no, why did you do this?" He whispered, Cas had already passed out, and Dean was doing his best to stop the bleeding. There were two pools of it on the floor, and Dean looked to Cory, who was shaking and looked unsure. "Cory, when they come and get Cas, do me a favor and clean the floor. So when I come home it's not…." He said, and Cory held up a hand, he knew what his father meant.

It seemed like forever, but it actually was only about seven minutes. The EMTs arrived, and Dean and Cas were in an ambulance. The older kids were to stay home and keep an eye on the younger ones, and Dean promised that he would let them know what happened when he knew anything. Cas was now on a machine helping him breathe, and they had taped up his wrists. "He's A positive." Dean said, his voice was still shaking and he was trying not to cry. He loved Cas so much, and he couldn't lose him. Now he got how Cas had felt when he was sick. He knew that Cas hadn't been thinking when he'd done this. He had just been wanting the pain to stop. He couldn't be angry at him. Cas hadn't been trying to hurt him. Cas would never do that on purpose.

It seemed like hours, but they were there at the hospital and Cas was whisked off to surgery. Dean was sitting in the waiting room, and decided to call Sam. He didn't want to mess up John and Jodi's date. His fingers were shaking as he hit the dial for three and held the phone to his ear. When Sam was saying hi, Dean said, "Sam, Cas tried to kill himself. I'm at the ER."

Sam almost dropped the phone. Cas had _what_? It shouldn't be that surprising, Cas had been through a lot recently, not counting the crap he'd been through in his entire life. "Oh, fuck, Dean. I'm coming." Sam said, he couldn't let Dean be there in the hospital all alone. He turned to Jo and told her what was going on, and she said she'd drop Laura next door with Mrs. Flanagan and she'd go with him. She went to do that while Sam talked to Dean some more.

"Have they taken him back for surgery? How did he do it?" Sam asked, listening as Dean told him Cas had just wandered over and slit his wrists. Sam would guess that Cas had kind of been in a daze and hadn't really known what he was doing. He wouldn't have hurt Dean, hurt his family, on purpose. "Oh shit. Well Jo is leaving Laura with our neighbor and we'll be right over. Don't worry, Mrs. Flanagan loves Laura, she plays in the yard while Mrs. F does her gardening." Laura was just starting to crawl, and she loved to be outside in the grass.

They hung up, and Dean settled back in his seat to wait. He texted the older kids in one text, to tell them that Cas was back in surgery, and he'd text again with updates. That's when he saw his father and Jodi walking up to him. "Dad? What the fuck?" He asked, and then he guessed one of the nurses on duty had called him. They were still a big deal in Dallas. "I was trying not to ruin your date." He told him, as John got closer.

John eyed his oldest son, and he could tell that Dean was scared out of his mind. John knew how much Cas had been suffering lately. He had tried to get the kid to talk to him, and he was stubbornly changing the subject whenever John brought it up. He had a wealth of knowledge from working SVU and he could really help Cas talk through things. But he also knew he couldn't force him, as much as he might like to. "Dean, I'm sorry. Cas is gonna be okay. You're not going to lose him." He told him, and as soon as he said that, Dean broke out into tears and John reached out to hug him. It had been awhile since Dean had needed him like this, but John would do anything to help him feel better.

"It was so awful, Dad." Dean gasped inbetween sobs. "He had just walked over and slit his wrists like it was nothing. And the blood, it was so red, and there was so much of it." Dean said, his whole body shaking as he held onto his father. Dean was so scared. Cas, he'd known he was still upset, but Dean had thought things were getting a little better. "I thought he was doing at least a little better." He hiccuped, and John led to sit him down, sitting in the chair next to him. Jodi said she was going to go find drinks and disappeared down the hall. This was the hospital Dean had died and gotten his new heart in, and it was still hard for Dean to be here. And this couldn't be the hospital that Cas died in too.

"He's going to be fine, son." John told him, patting Dean's shoulder, and handing him a box of tissues from the table beside his chair. "I will talk to him. As soon as he's rested up a bit. He'll wake up. They're off replenishing his blood, and he'll of course have to be here 72 hours, but he'll be okay. We will all help him. He also knew which hospital it was, and he leaned a little closer to say the next part. "He won't die here, Dean. I promise you." He squeezed his son's shoulder again, and fresh tears brushed at Dean's eyes.

Wiping his eyes, Dean said, "We were just having the cookout. And now this." His voice was shaking, and he didn't know what to do. He leaned back in his chair, his chin trembling as he tried to stop crying. "Sam and Jo are on their way too." He said, slowly, and as he spoke, they were both walking up. Dean stood to hug Jo, who was crying herself. She hugged him tightly, her head coming closer to Dean's shoulder than her husband's, Sam was four or five inches taller than Dean was. She was assuring him that Cas would be okay, and Dean was just mumbling something in return.

They'd been there another ten minutes before someone came out to talk to Dean. The nurse told Dean that Cas had had a blood transfusion, just as John had said he would, his body seemed to be taking it just fine, and he was in the ICU. He was being held under suicide watch, but he was awake and Dean could go back and see him. Dean thanked her and followed her to Cas' room. Cas was breathing to a machine, and his wrists were bandaged, and he had dark circles under his eyes. Dean immediately moved to him and kissed him, but not deeply, in case Cas was short of breath.

"What the hell were you thinking?" Dean asked, but not harshly. "You scared the _fuck_ out of me." He told his husband, sitting down in a chair by the bed and lacing his fingers gently with Cas'.

"I'm sorry, Dean." Cas said, running a hand through his black hair. "I don't… I wasn't really thinking. All I wanted was the pain to stop." He said, his hand scrubbing at his scruffy chin. "You know that I wouldn't hurt you on purpose." He turned to look at him, and he saw the pain in Dean's eyes. "I am so sorry that I made you feel like I did when you were sick." He said, and he knew that Dean was falling in love with him a little more as he said that, because he knew that Dean had felt it. He leaned and kissed Cas again, softly. He told Cas he loved him, and that he wasn't angry. This lifted a weight off Cas' shoulders. He'd been worried about that.

Dean stroked the back of Cas' hand with his thumb. "I've been trying so hard to take care of you, baby. I know you're trying. I need more help. Clearly I can't take care of you on my own." Dean hated that, that he couldn't take care of his own husband. "Should I be pushing you to talk more? I know you were just wanting the pain to stop, and I know you didn't think about it before you did it. I can't be mad at you. I've never been in that kind of place, other than when I lost the… the baby…" He trailed off, that was something he still couldn't talk about. "But you still could tell me. I've been trying not to push you. Something I'm doing is wrong, since you tried to end it all." He could say it any other way.

"No." Cas said firmly. "This is not on you, Dean. You have tried and tried your best to be supportive with me. You've done your best to keep me healthy. I'm the one who fucked up." He didn't want Dean to feel less than. "You are the best husband that anyone could ask for. I love you so much, Dean. I'm sorry that I did this. I wasn't…. I never would have done anything to hurt you or the kids. Not on purpose." Cas looked at his hand entwined with Dean's, and he saw his wrists, bandaged so tightly. He hoped that he didn't scar.

He kept talking, his voice soft and quiet. "I just, I wanted the pain to go away. I thought if I was just gone, it wouldn't hurt anymore." Cas was talking slowly so he didn't start crying. "I never see anything but his face when I close my eyes." He said, and heard Dean's sharp intake of breath. "His weight on me, his smell, the way he just forced himself inside… I still feel it. Everytime…. Every day. I can't make it stop." Nothing made it stop. Not the meds. Nothing. The meds dulled it a little for a little while, but it never completely went away. Cas felt like he did 20 years ago all over again and he wished that he didn't. Balthazar was dead. They were supposed to be done dealing with him hurting them.

When Cas seemed to be stopped for a moment, Dean leaned in to press his face in Cas' neck. "I love you, Cas. I love you more than anything. "I know that you wouldn't hurt me or the kids. You are having a rough time and we will get through it. I don't know how, but we will. I wish I could magically make this go away." He wished he knew who had done this, they'd be dead by now. Dean wanted to kill this guy. Although he knew that he couldn't, because he couldn't risk going to jail. The kids and Cas needed him. It was just really hard right now not to go out and find the bastard. All in good time. Cas dropped off to sleep again and Dean leaned back in his hair, still holding his hand. They had to make it through this. They _had_ to.

 _It's a little bit funny,  
This feeling inside  
I'm not one of those who can  
Easily hide  
I don't have much money, but boy  
If I did, I'd buy a big house where  
We could live_

 _If I was a sculptor, but then again, no  
Or a man who makes potions in a  
Traveling show  
I know it's not much, but it's the best  
I can do  
My gift is my song, and this one's for you_

 _And you can tell everybody  
This is your song  
It may be quite simple but now that it's done  
I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind  
That I put down in words  
How wonderful life is while you're in the world_

 _So excuse me forgetting, these things I do  
You see, I've forgotten if they're green, or they're blue  
Anyway, the thing is, what I really mean  
Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen _

_**Author's note: So, sorry it's been awhile. Also, sorry for the suicide attempt. I wasn't planning that. I wrote most of this high, and I was thinking it'd be less angsty. Guess I was wrong. Ooops. Hopefully there will be another update soon. Although I do have two other things to type up which aren't Destiel. Well, I hope someone is hanging in. :)**_


	6. Your Song

Chapter Six: Your Song

Four days later, and Dean was there to pick up Cas to take him home. He was waiting for them to bring Cas around, there wasn't anyone allowed on the psych ward floor at the moment who wasn't staff or patient. So he was waiting. John had offered to come with him, but Dean had told him he thought he should do this alone. He truthfully wasn't sure what Cas would want, John there or not. He knew that Cas was kind of embarrassed that he'd done this. Even if Dean had told him that he didn't have to be. He was going through a hard time. Dean was waiting and was just about to ask where his husband was when he got a call on his cell.

"Hello?"

It was Sam. "How's Cas?" He asked, he was working on a rape and murder case, and he was taking a break in the research of the previous charges against the perp. He rubbed his face, he knew he had chosen this career, and it would be a shame to give up on it after he'd finally gotten onto a firm that he wanted to be at. Sam needed a trim, he liked to keep his hair long, but he should get an inch or so off so it was a little bit more professional. "I know he's embarrassed. Please tell him I said that he shouldn't be. And when they catch this guy, I will be the one helping put him away."

He was still just a junior associate, and he didn't get to do much but research. But Sam actually didn't mind that, because he was still helping catch a bad guy and put him behind bars. Sam may not have said so out loud, but he'd always wanted to be like John. In the putting people who deserve to be in jail away.

This was not a conversation that Dean had expected to have. But he brushed a hand over his hair, which unlike Sam's had just been cut. Dean said, "I haven't seen him yet, they're bringing him out now. I don't really know what to do with him. I know he doesn't want to stay here, but I also know that he can't be left alone. I took some time off work, and I know that he's going to resent being babysat." He didn't even mean it like that, but that's basically what it was. Dean just didn't want it to be a nurse or something, Cas would hate that and would be against it.

"I don't know how to help him. Other than listen to him when he wants to talk, but he also doesn't seem to want to talk about it. Which I know is bad, from reading some articles on the internet." Dean said, pacing around a little, glaring at the guy who seemed to be trying to listen in on his conversation. "I have to do this right. I don't want to lose him. And what about all of the Ash shit? He and I kind of had a thing with Ash the day it happened. What if he is internalizing about Ash? I mean, I know that nothing is going to happen because I love Cas, and Cas loves me. But I know that Ash isn't going to give Garth a proper answer about anything. He's wanting me, and he won't take no for an answer."

He saw Cas coming, they were pushing him in a wheelchair, which Dean knew was hospital policy. "I gotta go, Sammy, Cas is coming. I'll call you later." He said, and they hung up. Dean moved over to his husband. "Cas, baby, are you okay?" He asked, leaning down to kiss him. Cas used his shirt collar and pulled him down again to kiss him harder. Dean obliged for a moment but then he pulled back. "Come on, let's take you home and get you something to eat."

Standing, Cas looked pale and wan in the clothes that Dean had dropped off the day before, they'd thrown out the ones covered in blood from the suicide attempt. Dean took his arm, Cas didn't look like he'd be able to walk on his own. Dean hated how thin he'd gotten. Dean wrapped an arm around his waist and led him out to the Impala. "We're stopping to get some pizza, I ordered it for lunch at Papa John's. You are going to eat until you are full, and then you're going to have some of the pies that people dropped off. You are well loved in our neighborhood, there's all kinds of food and cookies and shit." Dean said, it had truly amazed himself the people that had shown up, offering to do what they could and bringing comfort food and casseroles and things.

Cas let Dean help him into the car, and he mumbled something about agreeing to what Dean said. He was going to be malleable, and let Dean do what he felt he needed to take care of Cas. Cas knew that his husband was trying his best. He laced his fingers in Dean's over the gear shift. "I'm sorry, Dean. I'm sorry that you have to take care of me." He said, brushing a hand over his scruffy cheek. He needed to shave. They didn't let you have anything weapon like in the ward. He felt Dean squeeze his fingers back and put the car in gear.

It was going to be a long time before Cas felt okay. He was reliving everything and he couldn't stop. He had thought that he'd never be attacked again, even if the statistic was mostly proven to be true, that once you were a victim you had double the chance to be one again.

It wasn't long before they were home with three pizzas, and Cas was set up in the living room with the pizzas and Dean was getting out the paper plates and some drinks. Cas had already opened one of the boxes and was taking a slice out. When Dean came back, with paper towels as well, Cas took the plate and put a few slices on a plate and took a bite. "So, are you going to take this so far as to let me watch _Outlander_?" He asked, Cas had read the books, and he was just getting into the show.

At this, Dean looked at Cas. It wasn't his type of thing. And he liked the tiny sly smile that was playing on Cas' lips. It was the first true smile that had been on his face in two months. "Yeah, I know you want to watch some more." He said, as he filled his plate full of pizza and took a huge bite. He pulled up the remote to pull up Netflix. They weren't very far in, with the kids running around the house after school and whatnot. Dean cracked open a beer and took a long sip. He gestured towards the medicines on the table.

"Take your meds, babe." Dean said, once his mouth was free. He pulled up their latest episode. Dean wasn't that into it, but he also would do anything for Cas. Cas had agreed to try porn with him, and because of that Dean would do things for Cas that he wouldn't normally do. But Cas had ended up liking some of the porn stuff. Dean was glad because sex had really been amazing since he'd been with Cas. Dean leaned to kiss Cas' cheek. "You're gonna be okay, baby. I know you think you won't. But with time, you'll start to be okay. And you know you can tell me anything that you need to get off your chest. I took time off work for a couple of weeks, and it'll be just you and me, other than the baby."

Cas finished his slice of pizza. "Where is the baby?" He asked, and Dean told him that he'd taken him over to Jo's and he was playing with Laura. The kids were going to be home in a couple of hours from school, and Cas was actually looking forward to seeing them. Diana, who had been hiding under someone's bed, came down the stairs quickly and joined them. Cas gave her a couple of pepperoni slices. She ate them, her tail wagging on the floor.

The front door opened, and Dean looked up in surprise, the kids weren't supposed to be here yet. It was Cory and Claire, and they were having a discussion about something as they walked in. Dean called at them. "Hey, what are you kids doing here?"

Cory looked at his dad. "Short day, the teachers took off to do some meetings or something. I think it's they just are cutting back a bit because they don't have money." He said, adjusting his bookbag. He looked at Claire, who just shrugged. "Pizza!" Cory said, and he put his bookbag on his hanger in the mudroom and went to get some. He reached out and touched his stepfather's shoulder. "You okay, Cas?" He asked, he was sure he'd get used to calling him 'Dad' or 'Pop' or something soon. Cory was worried about him, but there was also some new drama with Julie and Claire, and some guy had been checking out Cory in homeroom.

He got an answer of okay, and Claire moved to get some pizza too. She sat on the floor by Diana, Cory in the armchair by the sectional. They both could have fit on it with their parents, but they both knew that their parents would rather sit alone on it. Cory looked at his father, who seemed a bit out of sorts, as well as Cas. "So, Dad, there was this guy, he was checking me out in homeroom today." He said, he didn't want to bring up the Julie thing, he didn't know if Claire wanted to talk about it.

Dean looked at him, taking a sip of his beer. Cory had picked up one of the sodas. Cas wasn't supposed to drink with his medication. "Yeah? Is he cute? Do you know him?" He asked, and Cory launched into the story. He had said yes to him once in the hall, and that was about it. Dean said, "If you like him, ask him out. Or do a like casual hang out thing." Dean said, and he wondered where Callie was. She usually came home with them after school, and then Jodi picked her up on the way to John's. John and Jodi had gotten very serious, but Dean wasn't surprised about that. He'd read somewhere that guys who had been happily married or with someone ended up getting someone new not long after the relationship ended. Dean knew that Jodi was spending a lot of time there, more than she was at her own place.

"Why didn't your aunt come with you?" He asked, deciding to keep the conversation light. Cas could try and focus on what they were talking about and not his dark thoughts.

This one Claire took. "She said she was going to go meet Grandpa somewhere." John had retired, after the almost dying, he decided to enjoy what time he had left. Claire reached for a supreme slice, and a soda from the pile. She knew they were trying to keep their minds off the fact that Cas had just gotten home from the psych ward. Claire didn't want to bring it up, because they'd all had a talk about what to do and say when Cas got home. Dean didn't want anyone to make him feel bad about it, and he didn't want them to bug Cas about it if he didn't want to talk. They were allowed to ask questions, but only if Cas said it was okay. That she completely understood.

Then she leveled her eyes on Dean. "What are you going to do about Ash? Uncle Garth is really upset about it." He hadn't asked the kids to call him that, but they all did. She pulled her long blonde hair back into a ponytail and then kept her blue eyes on her father. "He's sleeping at Grandpa's. Whenever we go over to see him, Garth is trying to pretend he's okay, but he's not." She said, shaking her head. She wondered if maybe she should have kept quiet, Cas seemed to flinch when she brought it up.

Sighing, Dean said, "I don't know, kiddo. We do have to do something. I am so angry at Ash for just showing up and thinking that he could just treat Garth like crap. I don't know what he's thinking." Dean didn't want to go into what Ash said he felt for Dean, one, because it would hurt Cas to bring it up again, and he'd just come home from the psych ward, and two, he didn't know if they wanted to talk about this with the kids. Claire kept her blue eyed gaze on him, reminding him so much of her father. Dean still wished they knew why Gabriel's wife had used Cas' sperm to have her, other than Gabriel was a total douche.

Claire eyed him carefully. She knew that she wasn't getting told something. She wondered whether she should press him or not. The look on his face said not. "Dad, I know that something is going on that you're not telling me." She said, and he gave her a pleading look. She took a bite of her pizza. "Cory and I aren't the little kids. You can tell us things. We know that you and Daddy aren't going to break up. So just tell us what's going on."

Sharing a look with Dean, Cas sighed. After he'd filled his plate again, knowing that Dean would make sure that he ate enough, he took a sip of Coke before he answered her. "Ash has feelings for Dean." He said, and watched Claire's face make an O. "The day I…" He didn't have to finish that sentence. "We had a fight with Ash. And Ash and Garth had a fight." Cas wondered why they were talking about this. He supposed it got his mind off the fact that he'd been raped again, but he didn't want to think about Ash wanting his husband. He got it, he just didn't want to think about it. "I know your father loves me, and he knows I love him. We're not going to cheat on each other. But I don't think it's any of our business to but in on Ash and Garth. We can't force Ash to do anything, and Garth feels how he feels."

Cas didn't really want to discuss it. He was just so tired. Cas knew he had to finish what was on his plate before he would be able to go up and get a nap. Dean was trying to make sure that he gained the weight back that he had lost. Which Cas understood. He was going to let Dean take care of him, instead of trying to fight him. He didn't want there to be any discourse, and he knew that it would make Dean feel better to take care of him.

They all sat together for another thirty minutes, then Cas went on up to take a nap. Dean watched him go nervously. As soon as Cas had gotten up the stairs and out of sight, Dean turned to look at Claire. "Please, don't bring up Ash around your dad. I think it had partly to do with what he did." He looked at both of his children, and his eyes started to mist up a bit. Dean couldn't imagine life without Cas, and he didn't want to lose him. They'd been together for about two years, and Dean knew that it would be forever. They were going to die still married, hopefully in the same place. And close together, so they didn't have to live long without the other one.

"Cas is barely hanging on. I'm telling you this so you'll know to be careful with him. He is dealing with a lot of things. When Cas was in high school, he was raped." He said, and both Cory and Claire looked at him with surprise. "Please don't tell him that you know. If he wants you to know, he'll tell you. But I have to tell you because it's causing him issues again. When he got raped again, it brought up all those feelings from the first time. He's very fragile. I know you've had to have noticed that he's lost weight. He's not dealing with it well. That's why he tried to do what he did."

He still couldn't say it out loud. That Cas had tried to kill himself. Dean completely got why. It just hurt so much. And the sight of Cas laying on the floor with blood pouring out of his body wouldn't leave his mind.

Getting up, Claire went around and hugged him. She knew that Dean was having a hard time with all of this, despite the fact that he'd been doing his best to hide it from the rest of the family. Claire hugged him tightly, and Dean began to cry. She knew how exactly upset he must be to be crying in front of her. Cory had moved to start cleaning up the pizza boxes and trash, he didn't feel he knew Dean well enough yet to be seeing this, Claire knew. She shared a look with her older brother thanking him as he left the room.

"Dad, Daddy loves you. You love him. Things are going to be okay, time has to pass by." She said, not sure what else to say to him. It was keeping her mind off of Julie though. Who had gotten pregnant, and had broken up with Claire. She said she wanted to decide what she wanted to do with the baby herself. Claire didn't even know how the pregnancy had happened. If she had cheated, or if she'd been forced. Julie had refused to tell her. Claire had done her best. She wanted to tell her parents, but she didn't know how she felt about it. Other than she was hurt that Julie had done that to her.

When Claire had pulled back, Dean was reaching for a tissue to wipe his eyes. He couldn't hold things in anymore. It was getting really tiring. He looked at Claire. "We need to talk about something else for now, sweetheart. I can't think about it anymore. Tell me what's going on with you. Why hasn't Julie been hanging around lately?" He wasn't sure that she was going to tell him the truth. He noticed that she got a bit fidgety and started playing with her hair. He knew it was something that wasn't simple. What she said blew him away. It was just unreal.

Taking a deep breath, Claire decided to tell him the truth. "Julie told me she…. she's pregnant." She said, and she knew that her father was incredibly shocked. His eyes widened to his hairline and he scratched along the scruff on his face. "She won't tell me if she was forced or if she cheated on me. But she broke up with me because she wants to decide what to do about the baby herself." She didn't know what she was going to do if Julie wanted her back. She supposed it had to do with how Julie had gotten pregnant. If she had cheated, Claire didn't want her back.

This is when the door opened again, and it was John this time. He was carrying a bag full of ice cream. "Hey, guys." He said, and noticed that there had been some kind of serious conversation going on. "I hope I'm not interrupting. I just came by to see how Castiel is doing. And I brought ice cream." He saw the look on Dean's face, his son was in shock and a little pale. "Son, why don't you come help me dish it out?" He asked, and Dean got up, following his father to the kitchen.

"What's happened? Is Castiel okay? He did agree to come home, right?" John asked, as Dean got out bowls and spoons. Cory got up and went back in the living room with Claire. John could hear them getting their textbooks out to get their homework done.

Dean knew that he shouldn't tell his father what Claire had just told him. He decided to go with the questions that his father had posed. "Cas…. I can't tell much what he's feeling. And he hasn't really spoken much since I picked him up." He leaned against the counter as John opened the ice cream. "He's upstairs napping right now." He said, he noted that John had gotten mint chocolate chip and vanilla, two of Cas' most favorite kinds of ice cream. It touched him that his father remembered something like that about Cas. It just rode home how much Cas was loved by his family.

At this point, Dean's eyes filled with tears again. His chin wobbled for a moment before he continued speaking. "I feel like he's slipping away, Dad. He's letting me take care of him, like make sure he's eating enough and taking his meds. But he… it feels like he's not really here with me when he is." Dean wiped his eyes. "I can't lose him. I was…. Since I've been with him I realize that I've never been in love with anyone until him." Dean hoped that wouldn't bother John. But there was no sign that it bothered his father in his face.

John put the ice cream away and then called in the kids to get their bowls. When they'd gone back to the living room, he handed Dean a bowl. "You are doing all that you can for him, Dean. You are being an amazing husband. You aren't losing him. You just have to give him the space to deal with all of this. He's having a hard time with what happened, and then the whole Ash thing." John did know about it, and it was taking everything in him not to go and put the fear of death into the kid for even trying to come between Dean and Cas. "You will figure this out. All you can do is be there for him, and you're doing that. Cas knows that you love him. He loves you."

His father's words felt really good to hear. Dean wiped his eyes and took a bite of his ice cream. "Thanks, Dad. I really did need to hear that." He said, eating more. This is when Jo came into the kitchen, Dean assumed she'd used her key or Claire or Cory had let her in. He knew why she was here. She was here to see Cas. "Hey, babygirl." Dean said, and hugged her one armed. He asked, "Do you want some ice cream? Cas is asleep, it might be awhile before he wakes up."

Looking at her brother in law, Jo could tell how much this was weighing on him. She felt so bad for both him and Cas. For the whole family. Everything was so messed up. Once they'd recovered from one thing, another hit them. Jo told John she'd get her own when he started to get up from the table to get her some. She leaned and kissed his cheek before she went to the freezer. "How is he doing?" She asked Dean. She was kind of glad that she hadn't been there when it had happened. It would have been too hard for her to see. Cas was her best friend. She had good news to impart. But she wanted Cas to be there when she told everyone.

"He's as well as he can be after getting checked out of the psych ward." Dean said, as she got her own ice cream and joined her father in law at the table. At these words, Cas came down and joined them, his eyes blurry and his hair only a little sleep mussed. Dean reached out for him and Cas came to him immediately. Dean wrapped his arms around Cas' waist. Then he looked into those sky blue eyes. "What's the matter, baby? Did we wake you up? You haven't been up there for very long." Dean said, rubbing Cas' back. He leaned out and kissed him softly. "You should sit and eat some ice cream." He said, hugging him tightly and then leading him to the table.

"Sit, and I'll get you some."

Cas seemed a bit disoriented, but he knew that was his medication. Cas reached out and squeezed the hand that Jo reached out to him. "It's so good to see you, Jo." He said, running a hand over his face. "I didn't sleep well." He told him, there had been a nightmare. "I wanted…. I needed you." He said, and when Dean came over with his ice cream, he kissed Cas soundly on the mouth and then the top of his head. Cas tugged him down by his shirt and hugged him tightly, putting his head in Dean's neck and taking a good deep sniff.

He smelled of Old Spice and the lavender fabric softener they used, that Dean would refuse to admit that they bought, and just this woodsy smell that Cas couldn't identify. "I love you so much." Cas murmured into Dean's neck. His eyes had brushed with tears, and he really wished that they were alone. As much as he appreciated John and Jo being here. He knew they were here for him, to see how he was. They wanted to know that he was alright because they were his family and they loved him. Cas wouldn't let go, he held onto Dean like he was never going to see him again. "Please don't ever leave." Cas whispered, hoping only his husband would hear him.

"What are you talking about, baby? I'm not going anywhere." Dean said, his voice a bit choked up and tears brushing his eyes. Any thoughts of being scared of Cas leaving were taken away with Cas holding on to him so tightly and asking Dean not to leave. "I love you so much, I love you a million." He told him, hugging him just as tightly. Then Cas pulled back, kissed him lightly on the mouth, and then moved to eat his ice cream. Dean rubbed his back and then ran his fingers through Cas' hair and then went to put his bowl in the dishwasher before he settled into a chair next to Cas at the kitchen table.

Clearing her throat, Jo said, "I have news, I didn't just come over to see how Cas is." She took another big bite of her vanilla ice cream before she spoke again. They all looked at her. She blushed deeply. "Well, Sam and I got approved for adoption, we're getting a three year old named Devlin." They all smiled and started to congratulate her, but she held up a hand. "And, I found out I'm pregnant." She said, and their faces all took on shocked expressions. "Yeah, that was my reaction, too. I'm actually three months along. I just thought maybe I was late, but then I took a test."

It was just such good news, because she wasn't supposed to be able to get pregnant again. "I am seeing a doctor tomorrow, Sam's going with me. We're both so excited." Jo smiled and looked down at her bowl, blushing deeply as they all got up and hugged her all at once. She hadn't ever expected to be able to carry another baby, and she was going to do her best to do this right. When they had all sat back down, she said, "Devlin comes to us next week. He's coming from Albany, so it's going to be a bit of an adjustment for him."

Everyone had gotten into their seats again. Cas smiled a real, genuine smile. "I am so happy for you and Sam, Jo. The family can always get bigger." Cas wanted to have one more child with Dean, one that they both wanted, using a surrogate. But he knew that right now that wasn't a good idea. Maybe in a year or two, when Jamie was a bit older. He was off with Charlie, she'd agreed to babysit him for the day. He loved Charlie. She always had fun games for him and she had some cats that he loved to play with. "We should be celebrating. Let's have a party this weekend, I will make something good and we'll have cake and cookies and games for the kids."

This was agreed upon, and then talk resumed of happier things as they ate their ice cream.

The next morning, Dean woke up with his husband wrapped around him tightly. He let a smile play on his lips. He'd missed that for three days. He just watched Cas sleep. They'd made out a bit the night before, but that was it. No sex. Dean hadn't minded, he wasn't trying to rush Cas into being ready for something he might not be ready for. As Dean was watching him, Cas grabbed onto him a little bit tighter and his blue eyes opened a bit. "Mine." Cas mumbled, burrowing his face into Dean's neck.

Laughing, Dean said, "Yes, Cas, I'm yours. Completely, heart and soul." He pressed a kiss to the top of Cas' head. Cas was starting to press light kisses along Dean's collarbone. His body shivered. "Oh baby, that feels so good." He said, shivering more as Cas moved his kisses up to Dean's jawline. Then he pressed his mouth to Dean's, deeply, sucking on Dean's tongue. He moaned against Cas' mouth, and Cas' hand moved down between them in the blankets and into Dean's boxer briefs. His hand ran over the shaft of Dean's cock, and it began to get hard almost immediately. It had been awhile for them. Dean moaned against Cas' lips again.

Cas then moved down Dean's sculpted body, and tugged his boxer briefs off and dropped them to the side of the bed. He pushed Dean's hips down, and he took Dean's cock into his mouth. Dean groaned, and he knew he wouldn't be able to arch his hips, and Cas was strong. He moaned as Cas' tongue ran down the length of his shaft. His fingers were playing with Dean's balls as his mouth worked his cock. Cas was an expert at blow jobs. His tongue ran along the tip, and precum was already starting to come out. Cas wanted Dean to come inside him though. He pulled off with a pop, and used the precum to ease himself onto Dean's cock, bracing himself on Dean's abs. He began to move, Dean gasping and his hand going to Cas' cock, which he began to stroke as Cas' hips moved.

It was fast, and they both came with grunts. Dean was half hard again as Cas leaned down to lick his own cum off Dean's stomach. Then he kissed Dean, so he could taste Cas on his tongue. When they broke to breathe, Dean said, "Fuck, baby, that was an amazing way to wake up." He couldn't imagine where Cas' want for sex had come from, but he wasn't going to knock it. He pulled Cas back to him and kissed him deeply, Cas staying on him a few seconds longer before he moved to lay next to Dean. He was curled back up to him immediately, his head on Dean's chest and an arm around his waist.

"I just, I wanted you." Cas said simply, stroking the soft hair that led down to Dean's cock. "It's been awhile, and I know it's because of me, and I just, I wanted you." He held up a hand to stop Dean's protestations. "I know that it's okay that it was because of me. You don't have to say it. I love you and I love you because you were patient and didn't pressure me." Cas wasn't sure that he wanted to talk about any of this right now, but laying here, having just made love to his husband, who gave him the most amazing sex of his life, felt like a good time. He felt loved and safe. He always felt loved and safe with Dean.

After he'd traced a circle on Dean's abs, he started speaking. "It's been so hard, and I know you know that. I've been trying to come to terms with what happened. It's… it's brought up a lot of stuff I thought that I was done dealing with. I've been reading stuff again, and I've found out that it's never completely out of your mind. You just have a better time dealing with it for awhile. You've been great, Dean. I know you've been doubting yourself. But you're doing all you can and I really appreciate it. You have no idea how much I appreciate it."

He took a breath and kept talking, glad that Dean was just there to listen. "I am just, I want the guy to be caught, and I know that Jodi and Garth are trying really hard. I just, I don't have a lot of hope that it's going to happen. Not because they aren't great at their jobs, but this kind of thing rarely gets solved. Unless this guy attacks again, on behalf of Balthazar, he's not going to be caught. And I can deal with that. Because it feels like it was a one time thing. It doesn't feel like he's going to come and hunt me down again. If I thought that, i'd've asked Jodi for some protection. But I still… I can't stop the nightmares." He said, and Dean stroked his back. "Almost everytime that I go to sleep, I close my eyes, and I see him. And I feel what it felt like and it just…. I can't move. I'm paraylzed with fear."

Once Cas was done talking, Dean let his hand run up Cas' back and into his hair. He knew that Cas loved having Dean's fingers in his hair. "You will always be safe with me. I will not let him hurt you again. I've taken some time off work, and I'll be here with you every day. You need looking after right now, and I'm going to be there for you. Because I'm your husband and I love you." He ran his fingers slowly through Cas' hair. Cas was shivering with pleasure under his ministrations. "I don't know what it's like to be that scared, to have a fear that someone is out to get you, but I do know how to protect my family. I love you and I will never let anything like that happen to you ever again."

"And you can't think like that. You know that Jodi and Garth will do everything they can. If the case goes cold, they'll have to stop, but they'll try their best till that happens." Dean wanted to stay like this forever, but he knew they should get up and check on Jamie, and he wanted to get some breakfast going for the family. He reached and tugged Cas' head up so he could see his eyes. "Come on, I want to make breakfast for everyone. Bacon calls." He said, and Cas smiled a small smile at him and kissed him, and then they both started to move and put some clothes on to be decent.

Dean went to Jamie's room, who was awake already. He reached up his hands. "Dada!" He exclaimed, and Dean had to step over Diana, who usually slept in Frankie's room or Jamie's. He reached down and picked up Jamie, and held him up in the air. "Morning, kiddo. How's Daddy's little monkey?" He asked, as Jamie squealed in delight. Dean tossed him carefully up and then caught him, and they left the room. Cas had gone on down to get out the eggs, bacon, and hashbrowns. Dean got to the bottom of the stairs, and saw Ben. He was texting on his phone already. "Texting your boyfriend?" He asked, and Ben blushed, telling Dean to shut up. He ruffled his kid's hair and went on into the kitchen.

He put Jamie in his high chair. He asked, "What does Daddy's monkey want for breakfast?" He asked, and Jamie immediately told him cereal. He liked dry Cheerios. Dean moved to get him a bowl of Cheerios and put it in front of him with a bottle of orange juice. Then he moved to help Cas. "Ben, we're making breakfast, but if you don't want it you can have a frozen waffle or some cereal." Dean told him, Ben had put down his phone and was putting some books away in his bookbag. Dean added the bacon to the pan, Cas had already gotten out the eggs and was mixing them in a huge bowl.

This was nice. It was feeling like things were getting back to normal. Dean loved that. He hummed a Led Zeppelin song to himself as he got the bacon started. Then he got out the diced potatoes. He loved to be cooking anything for their family, and breakfast was his best cooking skill. Claire, Cory, and Frankie all came into the kitchen, and it was the whole family. Dean heard Cas saying something to him, and he turned to look at him. "What, baby?" He asked, it was loud and chaotic in the morning. His heart almost stopped as Cas told him he'd like to have one more kid with him, in the near future.

It was unexpected, but Dean smiled at him. "Okay, if that's what you want, babe." He told him, and kissed him before he got back to cooking. This was going to be okay. They'd be okay. He knew that he was going to have to talk to Claire about Julie, tell her that she should confide in Cas too. They could both help her deal with it. It was hard, when you lost your first love.

 _Escape the noise to find a voice  
What kind of sound that I need  
Life in a familiar place  
What fills the void that we need?_

 _Breathing with no air  
Can't hear my echoes  
When I scream out, I'm craving gravity  
I'm like a shipwreck inside  
Stranded with no land in sight  
I need an anchor, my gravity_

 _Even though I'm not in the same sun when I fall  
Don't have to be miles apart if you're here in my heart  
I can feel your love from a different place, it's okay  
Don't have to be miles apart if you're here in my heart_

 _ **Author's note: So, yay, an update! I promise, gonna try and have more fluff. Hope ya'll liked. I'll try not to let it go so long without another update. And I might do a time jump that's bigger than a couple of months for next time, we'll see. Just a head's up.**_


	7. Gravity

Chapter Seven: Gravity

 _One year later_

They were just getting home from John and Jodi's wedding reception. The kids, the littlest ones, were being put to bed by Cas. Claire, Ben, Cory, and Callie, were all spending the night at John and Jodi's. Cas had gotten better over that year, and they were having their last baby, a girl, by a surrogate. Jo and Sam were doing great with Devlin, who loved having little sisters. Their baby had been a girl as well, named after Ellen. Her name was Helena. They called her 'Ellie' for short. She was just a few months old. Dean loved Ellie, and she did him. Whenever they were over, she wanted Dean to hold her. Dean couldn't wait until their own little girl came to them. It was three more months yet.

Dean was taking out the trash, he and Cas were going to settle back with some more alcohol and ice cream and watch Netflix, maybe make out a bit. He was just getting the bag in the trash when he was stabbed with a needle from behind, and he fell to the pavement. He wasn't sure what it was, but it felt like a tranquilizer. He could barely move, and he couldn't stop the man on top of him from raping him. He thankfully used a condom, because Dean was the one who was the bottom. The man had put a sock on his own cock, and that is what he came in. It lasted about ten minutes, and he leaned down to whisper to Dean before he left.

"That was for Balthazar. We're not done with ya'll yet."

As soon as the man was gone, Cas was coming outside to look for him. "Dean!" Dean heard him call his name, and then his husband was on the driveway next to him. Dean couldn't keep his eyes open any longer, that must have been a strong dose of whatever drug it was. He mumbled to Cas to call the cops and Sam, and then his eyes fluttered shut.

His fingers fumbling for the cell phone in Dean's jacket pocket, Cas really hoped Dean wasn't dying right now. He didn't know what had been done to him, other than the rape. He was checking for some kind of wound as he told the 911 operator that he needed an ambulance, his husband was unconscious and had been raped and lying on their driveway. It was late, around ten, and Cas wasn't surprised no one in their gated community had seen anything. Most of their neighbors went to bed early. Cas found a tiny spot that looked like it had been stabbed with a needle, it was bleeding just the tiniest little bit.

Within forty-five minutes, they were in a hospital room. The rape kit had been done, even though Cas was doubtful there would be anything, if it was the same man who had attacked him. And he was sure that it was. They had never caught him, and it didn't really make sense for it to be anyone else. Dean was still unconscious, they had determined with a blood test that it was just a paralytic tranquilizer that had been used, they decided to just let it wear off. They told Cas that it would be a few hours yet, so Jo was babysitting all the kids at Cas and Dean's until they could get home. Until she'd gotten there, a cop had stayed so that Cas could go with Dean in the ambulance.

Cas was sipping the iced coffee he'd gone down to get at the Starbucks when he'd started to notice he was nodding off, and then Sam arrived. He moved to Cas, and they hugged. "I don't know what happened. We won't until Dean wakes up." Cas told him what he could, that Dean had been drugged and assaulted, but that's all that they knew for sure. He ran his hand over his face, which was a bit scruffy. Dean liked it that way. He hadn't had a haircut in a few months, and a swash of his black hair was hanging over his right eye. He actually wasn't having any flashback issues himself. He was just worried for Dean.

"He's…." Sam wanted to say that Dean would be okay, but he didn't know that. And he knew that Cas knew the same thing. Sam reached out and grasped Cas' hand, and squeezed it tightly. "I can't say that everything is going to be okay, but I can say that with time it will hurt less." Sam was sure that this had to do with Balthazar. "I don't doubt that this has to do with Balthazar." He said, and Cas nodded. Sam pulled his hand back to text his wife, giving her an update on what had been going on and that he was at the hospital.

He really hoped that Jo wasn't going to blame herself for this. It wasn't her fault. Sam didn't think it was even remotely her fault, just because Balthazar's leftover loyal men weren't letting go of what had gone down years ago with him trying to assault Jo. It had been over for their family, they had moved on. "Have the cops been here yet?" He asked, hoping that they had. He wanted them to catch this guy, once and for all. Maybe if one of the men paid for what they were doing, it would send a message to the rest of them to stop this kind of thing.

"Yeah, they've been here." Cas said, his voice sounding tired. He was wearing pjs, he'd managed to change his clothes from the wedding before he'd found Dean. He was wearing a pair of Cowboys pj bottoms that were Dean's, and a navy blue tee shirt that hung halfway down his thighs. He was still gaining back weight he'd lost during that year. That black, black year. Cas was right back where he had been when he and Dean had met. Dean in a hospital bed. He wasn't clinging to life this time, but in a way, he was. He was never going to be the same man that Cas had fallen in love with. But Cas wasn't the same man that Dean had fallen in love with, either. And they were still together. Because they truly loved one another.

He tossed his empty cup and looked at Dean, who looked as if he was just sleeping comfortably. "Things were just getting better." Cas said, his voice sounding quiet and faraway to himself. "We… we're getting ready for the new baby, Jamie's finally walking on his own, talking a mile a minute, Frankie is doing so well in school, Claire's finally over her relationship with Julie…." He sighed. Julie had had her baby, and moved away to Houston. Claire had been devastated, but she was ready to move on. They still didn't know if Julie had cheaten or not, but she had been adamant about not getting back together with Claire, so it had been nothing that could be done on Claire's part.

"I can't fix this, but I know what it feels like. What I'm hoping is that Dean doesn't remember it. That when he wakes up he won't remember exactly what happened. I can tell him he got attacked and that will be it. It'll be so much better if he doesn't remember." Cas said, he'd only have to get more specific if they actually found the man who had done this. And Cas wasn't sure that they would. Balthazar's men were still out there and evading capture, so this time was going to be no different in his eyes. "I can be there for him if he does remember. I know exactly how he feels, even if I wish I didn't. He won't be alone in this, just like I wasn't."

Watching his brother in law, Sam wondered if Cas was flashing back again to the abuse he'd been through. Sam didn't think so, he just appeared worried for Dean. Speaking of his brother, Dean's eyes started to flutter, and then opened. "Dean." Sam said, in relief. He was hoping his brother would wake up sooner rather than later. Even if Cas had told him the drug that had been given to him would wear off and wasn't harmless in the long run. Sam watched as Cas leaned and kissed Dean softly, and then Dean pulled him closer to kiss him more deeply. Sam cleared his throat.

"Brother in the room."

"Keep your panties on, Sammy." Dean told him, his voice sounding rough from misuse. "How long was I out?" He asked, and Cas told him four hours. He rubbed his head, glad to find no wounds from where he'd fallen to the driveway. Dean remembered everything. He looked to his husband. "I remember it all. I'm going to have to talk to the cops. It was someone that knew Balthazar." He said, and Cas' eyes brushed with tears, but he nodded. Cas leaned back down to him, and pressed his lips to Dean's cheek. Then he touched his forehead with Dean's, and cupped his jaw as they shared a look. Dean's eyes were a bit misty, but he wasn't crying yet. He was still in a shock that someone had managed to get a jump on him at all. Dean reached up and wiped tears off Cas' face. Then he turned to look at Sam. "Would you tell someone I'm awake and they can come and interview me now?" He asked, he just wanted to be alone with Cas for just a bit.

As soon as Sam had left the room, Cas moved to sit on Dean's bed, and he laced his fingers tightly with Dean's. Dean felt tears gather in his eyes then, and he started to cry. Cas leaned down to put his arms around him, and Dean buried his head in his husband's neck. Dean hadn't ever thought this would happen to him, and he wanted the guy who did it to pay with his life. Dean held onto Cas like he'd never hold onto him again. He couldn't believe it. It was the worst thing that had ever happened to him. He couldn't make this go away. He couldn't get a new heart. This couldn't be fixed the same way that his illness had. "I can't…. I can't stop hearing his voice, Cas." Dean said, his words coming haltingly.

"You'll be okay, it just takes time." Cas told him, he and Dean weren't ones to lie to each other. Little white lies, maybe, like when Cas' eating had been slipping, but nothing big. "They might not catch him, I won't lie to you. And I don't need to tell you that, anyway. You know already. Your father is a cop. They never catch everyone." Cas kept to himself the fact that sometimes the cops just didn't work hard enough. He didn't think that was the case with them, because of who John was. He may not be a cop anymore, but he was retired, and cops did take care of their own more than they did the general public. So Cas believed this was just Balthazar's men being well versed in the ways of hiding from the police and other crime branches. "You know that I will be there for you, I know exactly what you're feeling."

Pulling back, Dean looked up at him, his green eyes wet. Dean looked into Cas' blue eyes, and he was reminded again of the ocean, which he'd never seen in person, of course. He was trying to calm down before the cops came to the room. He didn't like anyone to see him like this, unless it was Cas. Or family. But really, just Cas. Before he could say anything, the cops did arrive, and Dean told them everything that he could about the attack. They'd already taken his suit for evidence, just in case anything had escaped body fluids wise. Dean doubted that. Sam had brought Dean some clothes to wear home.

After the interview with the cops, it was only about an hour later, and they were releasing Dean. Cas thanked Sam for coming, and promised that he would send Jo and her kids home as soon as he got to his own home. When he and Dean did arrive home, they found a cop inside the living room. He told Cas he had sent Jo and her little ones home, so she didn't have to wake them in the middle of the night if Dean woke up then. Cas thanked him and sent him home with a pie that he'd bought for Dean. It was cherry, one of Dean's favorites. Cas could easily get him another. This cop had gone above and beyond for them. He wanted to show his appreciation. Especially in this time when cops all over the country weren't really working that hard to solve cases.

Dean, still a bit groggy, was ready to go to bed, so they went up. Cas let him smoke some weed while they put on _That 70s Show_ , and then Dean fell asleep. Cas was too wired to sleep. He knew he would crash later, but he was incredibly awake for now. To kill time, he went online to buy some baby clothes for their new baby. She was coming in three months, and Cas couldn't wait. There was the sound of little pattering feet, and Jamie was peeking inside the bedroom, holding his blanket, and Diana standing beside him. "Jamie?" Cas asked, and the little boy ran to him, crying, saying he'd had a nightmare.

Reaching down, Cas picked him up. "It's okay. Daddy's here." Cas told him, and Jamie's arms went around Cas' neck. He rocked him until Jamie had fallen back to sleep, and then Cas carried him back to the nursery. He had a twin bed now, and the crib would be used for the new baby. They didn't want Jamie to share a room with Ben just yet, or Cory. They were both too old to be sharing their room with an almost two year old. They were, however, going to move Jamie in with Frankie when the baby came home. Frankie and Jamie liked each other, Cas thought they would get along just fine. Once Jamie was back in his bed, sleeping, and Diana was curled on the end of his bed, Cas left the room and went down to get something to eat.

As he was making a sandwich and some chips were out next to him, his cell phone rang. It was around six in the morning. Cas looked at the ID, and it wasn't a number that was in his contacts. But he answered anyway. "Hello?" He said, and heard his brother Gabriel's voice. "Gabe? What the hell do you want?" Cas asked, moving to sit down at the table with his food, not sure why he was even _talking_ to his brother. It's not as if they had anything to say to each other. Gabriel's tossing off of his gay family members was just reprehensible. Cas considered himself a Winchester, he wasn't a Novak any longer.

It was quiet for a long moment before Gabriel spoke. "I need help, Cassie. I know you don't want to help me. And I don't blame you. I was a pretty shitty person to you. To Claire. And not that it's an excuse, but I knew all along that you were Claire's father. Gen was in love with you, not me. She only married me because she knew she couldn't have you. I don't care if you or Claire is gay, I don't. Be who you are. She should be who she is. I just, I was so mad. And I couldn't leave her, I loved her." It was quiet for a bit more, and then Gabriel began again.

"I just was dealing with it all the wrong way. And if you tell me to go to hell I won't blame you. But I have cancer. In my liver. I was wondering if you would get tested, see if you're a match. And don't do it for me, do it for my kids. Gen's kids. She didn't want to let Claire run off. She did because I wouldn't let her get in contact with her. I knew where Claire was going. She was going to you. I couldn't…. I was glad at the time to have her gone. I didn't want her to come back. She was a reminder that my wife was only with me because she couldn't have you."

This blew Cas away, and he had to sit there with it for a moment, trying to let it all sink in. He had never known that Genevive had felt that way for him. He did however, hold Gabriel and her both at fault for what they had done to make Claire run to him. Cas, after chewing a huge bite of his sandwich, spoke. "I will not get tested, Gabriel. You did your best to push us both away. It's not Claire's fault that she's my daughter. And she is mine. There is no claim to her that you can use. She wants to be here with Dean and me. You let her walk away. Because she's not yours biologically."

This was just unbelievable to Cas. "And it wasn't my fault that your wife chose my sperm to be impregnated. I never knew, and you know that. Not until Claire arrived at the hospital, looking for me. I feel sorry for your other children, but I will not get tested in an attempt to save your life. I won't go so far as to say you don't deserve to be saved, because I want my karma to remain good, but I will say that I can't be a party to any life saving actions." Cas hated that he had to say that, but he also knew that the wounds that Gabriel had installed in him would last him for the rest of his life, and they were deep. He decided to tell Gabriel just that very thing, so that he wouldn't be tempted to try this again.

"You hurt me permanently, Gabriel. I will never recover from what you did. You tossed me aside as if I meant nothing to you, all because I am attracted to men instead of women. And you haven't ever tried to help me with what you know I went through in high school." Cas heard Gabriel's intake of breath, and Cas continued speaking before he could try and make an excuse. "You acted as if it was my own fault, and that I needed to be cured of being gay. Like it's something that you can catch." Cas said this bitterly. "You can mine someone else for a new organ, because I will not help you. And if you even remotely try to contact Claire about this, I will make sure that you regret it. Do you understand me?" He asked, and Gabriel managed to mutter a quiet yes.

That's when Cas hung up the phone, and finished his food. Then he finally felt like he might be able to lay down and go to sleep, and he tossed out the paper plate he'd used, and went upstairs. When he climbed into bed, Dean was still asleep. But as soon as Cas had slipped into bed, Dean moved and cuddled up to him, half mumbling that he loved Cas. Cas told him that he loved him too, and closed his eyes. Soon he was asleep as well, his last thoughts of Dean holding him as he drifted off.

A couple of days later, Dean was waking up to a very sunny room. Cas had a book signing today in town. He sat up, running his hand over his face. Most of the last couple of days he'd spent sleeping, he'd been given a script for sedatives for a month, and some references for doctors if he needed to go and get more. Dean wasn't one to lean on meds, he was more of a bourbon and weed person. But he had to admit, this was helping him with sleeping and dealing with the aftermath of what had happened. He didn't find Cas in bed with him, and he realized that it was eleven o'clock. Dean was late waking up, and he wondered if Cas had turned off the alarm to make sure that he got some extra sleep.

Getting up, and tossing on some dark khakis and a blue Henley, he pulled on some socks and hurried downstairs. The signing was in an hour and a half. Dean didn't want to miss it. He had told his husband he was going no matter what. Dean found Cas in the kitchen with Jamie, the other kids were all at school by now. Frankie would be getting out in about a half hour, and Jo usually picked her up and let her hang out at her and Sam's house for a few hours, and Claire, Ben, and Cory usually picked her up on the way home from school. Dean moved to Cas and kissed him, ignoring Jamie's cry of gross, Dad, and then tousled his son's hair.

"You didn't wake me up." Dean told his husband, as he moved to the fridge and pulled out some leftover pizza and put it on a plate to warm up in the microwave. They hadn't actually cooked in at least a week. They'd been too busy. Dean remembered eating a lot of pizza and ice cream during the moments in the last couple of days when he'd been awake. Which wasn't a long amount of time. Cas had made sure that Dean had been taking his pills when the bottle said to. Dean knew that Cas needed to take care of him, so he just let him do it. He wasn't going to argue. He had felt the same way when Cas had been attacked.

"I was trying to let you sleep." Cas told him, he was already dressed in a pair of khakis and a blue dress shirt. It made his eyes look even bluer. He watched as Dean sat down with a Coke and his pizza at the table. Jamie was eating his own lunch, a bowl of chicken and stars soup with apple juice. "If it makes you feel any better, I picked up an Oreo pie this morning when I got milk. We were out." Cas told him. They lived five minutes from a grocery store, that was one of the things they'd kept in mind when they'd picked this home. Dean gave him a huge only reserved for Cas grin, and then kissed him. Cas smiled into the kiss, tasting the bacon from the pizza.

Getting up, he took his plate from his own lunch to the dishwasher. He wondered if he should tell Dean he'd heard from Gabriel. He hadn't been keeping it from him, he just hadn't had time alone to tell him. Cas wanted to, just in case Gabriel tried to get a hold of Claire. He didn't think that it was very likely, because Gabriel knew Cas was able to get pretty much any cop in Dallas to do what he wanted, but he didn't want to be unprepared in the event that it did happen. He too tousled Jamie's hair as he walked by. Jamie made a face at him, causing both of his fathers to laugh.

"You eat up, so we can drop you off at Auntie Jo's." Cas told him, Jamie was very well behaved and would be just fine at the bookstore, but Cas thought he'd have a much better time getting to play with his cousins. Cas wasn't going to take that away from him. He moved to sit back in his seat, Dean was already halfway done with the pizza he'd piled on his plate. It had been from Dontatoes, and Dean had consumed a lot of it the night before as well. Cas didn't mind, Dean of course worked on a treadmill every morning before he went to work. When he did. And of course, being a construction worker was hard work, and Dean was good at it. He hadn't really ever weighed that much in his entire life, Cas had seen pictures.

Swallowing a long sip of Coke, Dean picked up another slice of pizza. "You'll have so much fun today, Jamie. You and Dev can play cops and robbers again." Jamie was fascinated with his grandfather, and he loved to pretend to be a policeman. Dean wasn't sure that he wanted that for him, but he also knew that Jamie was young. He might end up changing his mind, so for now Dean let him play at being a cop without telling him he shouldn't. It was a dangerous job, that was the only reason Dean wasn't sure he wanted it for his son. John had had many scrapes over the years. Dean was glad that John was now retired. They'd all gone through enough trauma.

It wasn't long before Jamie was finished eating, and they'd dropped him off at Jo's and were now headed to a Barnes and Noble in the mall. Charlie was meeting them there, and Garth was gonna try and stop by as well. Cas had finally gotten the book done, and it was now being released. They had gotten a huge advance when Cas had gotten his book deal, and now they had gotten even more from all the preorders. Dean was very proud of his husband. Yesterday had been release day, and Cas was doing the signing today. He wasn't touring though, that was a part of his contract, he would mail out signed novels, but no tour. He hadn't wanted to be away from his family for that long. Dean was also glad that he had done that, he didn't want to be without him that long either.

When they got there, Cas was taken to the store from the backway, and Dean headed along to meet Charlie in the front of the store. She of course was off to the side, since she didn't really have to stand in line. She'd be with Dean. Dean saw her and went up to her, grinning. They hugged. She was like a little sister. He was glad that they'd gotten back in touch. "You heard from Garth? Is he on the way?" Dean asked, as she teased him about his khakis. Dean ignored that, just tugged on her short curly red hair.

"Actually yeah, he's on the way." Charlie told him, checking her phone once again to make sure he hadn't texted again. "Callie's coming too, you know. Since she is all done with school." Charlie was surprised Dean didn't know. Callie hadn't decided on a college, and John had told her if she didn't want to go it was fine with him and Jodi. She was working at a WalMart at the moment, as an assistant manager. She'd had previous experience from her previous job from when she was a bit younger and living with her aunt. Charlie of course had a computer job, she was great at hacking things. She could get into anything she wanted.

Before Dean could reply, Ash was walking up to them. None of them had really heard from him in a few months, he and Garth hadn't worked anything out, and Dean knew it was because Ash was refusing to get over Dean. "What the fuck are you doing here?" Dean hissed in a quiet voice as Ash approached. "You shouldn't be here, and you aren't going to ruin my husband's book signing." Dean told him firmly, his tone angry. He didn't want this, he didn't like this.

"I can't stop thinking about you, Dean. I've tried. I didn't lead Garth on, I haven't talked to him in months. I didn't want him to think that he's got a shot with me. And I know that he doesn't want anything that even remotely resembles a casual relationship." Ash told him, and ignoring everything, stepped up and pulled Dean close, and kissed him. He had taken Dean by surprise, and he wasn't able to pull away.

"What the fuck?!" Dean burst out, pushing Ash away. The people in line turned to look. And Dean hoped that no one from the media was here yet. He knew Cas was in the back, and he was glad that he was, that he hadn't had to see this. "Ash, I don't want to be with you! You aren't going to get me away from my husband!" Dean said, and soon, the some of the people in line had recognized him and were now filming or snapping photos. "Stop! Stop filming this! If any of you are really fans of Castiel Winchester, you will stop filming this right now." Dean turned to appeal to them. Some of them stopped, meeting Dean's eye and his firm expression.

Then he turned his glare on Ash. "Dude, I don't even know you anymore. You know you had no shot at this. I don't know why you even tried." Dean looked back at his friend, and he couldn't see the person that he had known all those years ago in high school. That he had grown up with. Dean had never known until he'd met Cas that he would find men attractive. Dean knew that Cas was the one for him. There was no one else on the planet that Dean would be with other than Cas. Cas was his penguin, his lobster. They mated for life.

"I am flattered, I guess, that you think I'm good enough to try and ruin my marriage, but this ring I wear isn't just a ring. It means something to me. It means forever. It means love. It means loyalty. Faithfulness. I haven't always been the best boyfriend in a relationship with anyone. Except Cas. He's the love of my life, Ash. I would never willingly hurt him. Ever. We made a promise to each other to never leave. And we both plan to mean that promise, and never break it. You need to go. If you plan to continue to try and get me away from Cas, I'm going to have to keep you out of my life. I can't have someone who wants to ruin my marriage around. It will hurt Cas, and I can't allow that."

All of this is what Ash had expected. And he felt like shit for doing it. But he had tried, for a year. He'd tried to get Dean off his mind. He'd had a lot of sex with anonymous guys, he'd tried going to speed dating and trying out Grindr, all of it. He didn't blame Dean for being so pissed at him. "I wasn't trying to hurt anyone. I know that sounds false. But it's true. I just had to know. I had to know that you really meant it, that you really love Cas and you're with him." Ash told him. He ran his hand through his hair, it had lengthened in the year that he'd just had. He'd been too depressed to bother with getting it cut.

"I just had to know." He said again, and walked off.

Dean watched him go, and glared at the people in line once more, some of them had still been filming. "I will get a lawyer if I see anything from this signing about that fight online." Dean told them. He would. Nothing would be bad about this day for Cas. It was the first of his five book deal, and he wanted Cas to feel good about it. He had worked so hard for the book to get done. "I gotta go calm down, Char. I'll be back." Dean told her, and she nodded at him as he headed off to find the nearest bathroom.

Later that evening, Dean and Cas were alone together with some Chinese takeout and wine in front of the tv. Cas was wearing a pair of Dean's boxer briefs and nothing else, and Dean was wearing nothing. All of the kids were at Sam and Jo's, so that Dean and Cas could celebrate properly. Dean was waiting for another sex go round, they had stopped to eat. They'd ordered the Chinese to be delivered, and it had just arrived. Dean leaned out to kiss Cas deeply before he opened his house fried rice, he had decided to tell Cas about Ash before he found out some other way. He was also of the mind that Cas had something to tell him, and he'd been waiting for time to do it. Dean was a patient man, (even if it had taken years for him to get there) and had been letting Cas pick his moment. Plus, he'd slept so much in the past couple of days.

Opening his chicken fried rice, Cas picked up his chopsticks. "So, you're going to tell me about Ash now?" Cas asked, and Dean looked at him with a sheepish expression. "I'm not mad at you. I know you didn't want it. I saw the whole thing. I was just coming out in the store to go to the signing." He said, and took a bite of his food. They'd already gone through a bottle and a half of wine, and he was on his way to being completely plastered. "I am very proud of you for not causing more of a scene than you did. You could have thrown a punch at him and you didn't." Cas was truly proud of him for that. He knew Dean's temper could flare and he'd done some stupid things he regretted because of it.

"What we should talk about is something that happened a couple of nights ago after we got home from the hospital." Cas told him, and Dean just gave him a nod, so Cas started in. "You were asleep, and I didn't want to wake you. And after I'd gotten Jamie back to sleep after his nightmare, I was hungry. So I went downstairs to make something to eat." He said, and Dean was still listening. "Well, once I'd gotten down there and had made a sandwich, I got a call on my phone from Gabriel." This is when Dean's eyebrows raised. "Yes, I was shocked too." Cas admitted, taking a long sip of his wine before continuing.

"He wanted to know if I would get tested because he's in need of a new kidney." Cas said, at least, he thought that was what he needed, and not a liver. He'd been too angry to really remember what organ it was that Gabriel had needed. "And I told him that I had no intention of getting tested." Cas' eyes brushed with tears, surprising himself. He hadn't thought that talking about his worthless family would make him that upset still. "He told me that he had treated me the way that he had because his wife was in love with me, and she settled for Gabriel because it was like having me close. She used my sperm to make Claire for the same reason." Cas paused again to take a large bite of his food, and grab a potsticker.

After he was done chewing, he began again. "I don't know why he chose to be that petty. But he let Claire run away because he hated to look at her, knowing that she was mine. It reminded him that his wife didn't love him. I told him that he wasn't going to get anything from me, and that if he got into contact with Claire I would make sure that he regretted it. Dean…. He never…. He knew what I went through in high school. And he believed that maybe I deserved it because I wasn't straight. That maybe it would turn me straight."

At this, Dean wanted to go and hunt Gabriel down and kill him himself. He leaned out and kissed his husband, deeply. "Cas, I love you. You know that you don't deserve to be raped and assaulted because you're gay. I know you know that. Don't let your brother hurt you anymore. We won't let him get to our daughter. You matter. You matter to this family. We all love you and need you. It was wrong of your family to do what they did. I know that you can't erase the pain that's permanently there, and I wouldn't expect you to. But you know how much your family values you. I would be dead without you."

Dean leaned and kissed him once more, deeper this time, and Cas' hand reached between them, his hand running up and down Dean's cock. Dean groaned against his mouth, and Cas continued to stroke and cup his balls, and then they moved so that they could rub their cocks against each other. Dean held himself up with one hand, and the other settled on Cas' abs, circling with his fingers. Playing in Cas' treasure trail. He knew how much Cas liked that. They moved together, rutting and rutting until they had both come. Dean was surprised that he was able to come from just that, but he supposed it was because he'd already been ready for another go round.

Things were going to be okay. Dean knew it. They had to be. They'd gone through enough.

 _This could be it, I think I'm in love  
It's love this time  
It just seems to fit, I think I'm in love  
This love is mine_

 _I can see you with me when I'm older  
All my lonely nights are over  
You took the weight of the world off my shoulders  
The world just goes away_

 _Oh, when you kiss me  
I know you miss me  
And when you're with me  
The world just goes away  
The way you hold me  
The way you show me  
That you adore me  
Oh, when you kiss me  
Oh yeah_

 _You are the one, I think I'm in love  
Life has begun _

_I can see the two of us together  
I know I'm gonna be with you forever  
Love couldn't be any better _

_**Author's note: You can thank all of the Cockles/Destiel on my dash lately for this update. Also, I'm sorry it's been awhile. I wrote this in like four or five hours, this just really wanted to come out. I hope another update will be soon, and I have no idea where it's going next. We'll all see together.**_


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